


Humanity

by neunundneunzig (seasidesunset)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Comfort, Dehumanization, Fluff, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovered Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:30:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6958594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasidesunset/pseuds/neunundneunzig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is trying to take the Winter Solider and make him Bucky again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Natasha was the first to tell him. He still was unsure whether she was supposed to or not. He tried not to dwell on that; he’d gotten exhausted of all the secrets and who they had to be kept from. All that mattered was that they had his friend and that he was alive. SHIELD had apprehended him. Steve was glad they did, but wished he could have been there for it. He wanted to know what Bucky was like at the moment. Maybe he did save him from the river, but that didn't mean he was back to being the true Bucky. Steve was cautious, but there was still excitement thrumming inside.

He had been searching for months in between missions. He couldn't let it consume him, but it had been a large focus. He gave all the tips he’d gotten to Fury, so that their resources and allies could keep an eye out as well. They wanted him found as quickly as Steve did, but for entirely different reasons. Steve tried not to dwell too heavily on that.

The Winter Soldier was a threat. He knew that. And he knew if anyone got their hands on it, they could use it as a weapon. But all Steve wanted was to take it and make it Bucky again.

Tasha made it clear that the Soldier was secure and not in any immediate threat of danger, as long as SHIELD held him. They were currently trying to disable its arm to check for tracking devices or weapons inside. Steve tried to probe further, but she only gave him half answers. He knew that was meant to spare his feelings. They didn't want him to know how violent or how far gone his old friend was. He hated that.

It took them two whole days to ask Steve for help. It bothered him more than it should have. When he tried to watch the attempts at contact, Fury steered him away, promising he didn't want to see it. When he pushed, he was denied the authorization. Leaving his friend to suffer alone was pain for him. He dropped the mission he was planning just to focus on Bucky the moment they asked.

The Solider had eaten when ordered, and they believed he had slept while standing. His reports said he was greatly aided by medicines and drugs to keep him awake, focused, and powerful. While some had permanent effects, they saw no sign of withdrawal from others. Steve worried for him nonetheless. 

The Soldier ignored everyone who came in. When they tried to touch him, he became violent. Thankfully, he was more defensive than aggressive, but there were still injuries. There had been no deaths yet, and Steve felt pleased at just that small victory. Stark went in personally as an attempt to get the arm. The Winter Soldier attacked him on sight. 

For some reason, Steve was their last resort. They tried to brief him before he went in, but he didn't listen much. He knew who he would be dealing with. 

He was in the corner of the room when Steve entered. He stood there, tense, watching. He didn't attack, but seemed more than ready for it. He looked less like a man or a weapon, more so a scared animal. Steve felt guilty for making that comparison, but it was the first to spring to mind.

“Bucky?” The door snapped and locked shut behind him, “Do you-”

“James ‘Bucky’ Barnes is dead. He died over seventy years ago, the only Howling Commando to give his life during service.” Bucky frowned, not moving, just speaking. 

Steve nodded, moving slowly closer, “We all thought he died.”

“Why do all of you call me by a dead man’s name?” He asked, looking up into Steve’s eyes for a rare second before flinching and looking away. Steve wanted to chase that look, wanted him to know it was okay, that he wouldn’t be hurt for small questions or eye contact. But he knew that wouldn't help either of them right yet.

“It’s your name.” Steve swallowed, “You didn’t die from that fall. They took you and kept you alive. Then they shaped you into... Someone else.” Something else. He didn’t say it but he almost did. It wasn’t unfair. The Winter Solider was a weapon. He wasn’t the same as Bucky.

Bucky nodded slowly, knowing it too, “...I’m not Bucky anymore.”

“Yes you are. They don’t control you anymore. You don’t have to hurt or kill anyone. You won’t be frozen or hurt... Do you know who I am?”

“Steve Rogers. Captain America.” He nodded reciting, “A national hero and a legend.”

Steve nodded, trying to spur something more, “We shared a flat in Brooklyn. You went off to war and I... I was too weak at first. Before the serum. But then we got back together, remember? Found each other again.”

Bucky looked like he was trying hard to remember, after a while giving a small nod, “Every spring you would get so sick... We’d have a jar of spare change saving up to get you medicine... I was always worried you would...”

Steve smiled. He wanted to hug him, to welcome him back to the world of the living. Physical contact wasn't allowed yet,and he didn’t want to push that boundary. “Yeah, that's right.”

Bucky nodded a little, still thinking hard. He looked a little more relaxed. Steve stepped in closer, “We need to...”

“I'm not taking my arm off.” He snapped, tense again, “You're not going to leave me defenseless.”

“Do you think we want to hurt you?” Steve frowned, “Buck, I told you...”

He shakes his head, “I don’t know what to think. I want to trust you. I... I do trust you. But not any of them.”

“We're all on the same side and we all want to help you.” Steve reached a hand out gently to rest on his flesh arm. Bucky looked uncomfortable, and slightly afraid.

“SHIELD isn't all on the same side. That's why I was last hired.” Bucky blinked, letting Steve's touch stay for now.

Steve nodded. It was a fair point. The infiltration left even him hardly trusting his co-workers and peers. But the Winter Solider was nothing anyone wanted to destroy. That was the hope he was riding on, if nothing else. Be swallowed, “You're too valuable for them to lose. All they want to do is check for trackers and weapons. You'll get it back as soon as they're done.”

Bucky nodded thoughtfully, “You are a valuable asset too. I'll give them the arm if you will stay in with me. If they fail to return it, I'll kill you.”

Steve nodded back and moved closer, placing his hand on the metal arm. Bucky tensed, but didn't fight, “There's a small switch on the bottom underneath. Click it right, turn it. Then you'll have to pull the arm off.”

Steve moved the miniscule switch into place and turned it twice. Resting one hand on the tricep and the other on Bucky's neck, he pulled the arm off. A smooth socket of metal remained. Steve looked up at Bucky, who had bitten his lip so hard it bled.

“Did that hurt? Why didn't you say anything?” Steve frowned, cradling the arm awkwardly. Steve wasn't a huge fan of the metal arm. It stood for all the harm they had done to Bucky, and how they took him and shaped him into a weapon. He knew it was necessary, but he still hated it.

Bucky went quiet and still, not meeting his gaze. He ran his tongue over the blood, looking guilty.

The door opened and one of the doctors stepped in. Bucky grabbed Steve by the throat with his remaining arm. Steve tensed up, but didn't fight back. He knew this was a purely defensive move on Bucky's part. He wouldn't believe that Bucky would actually hurt or kill him right now, especially when he seemed to know who he was. Who they both were. He could feel Bucky pressed against him, radiating tension and fear. 

“Relax,” she smiled, holding her hands up in a sign of peace, “I mean no harm. I'm only here to retrieve the arm. We heard the deal, we won't take too long. We don't want either of you hurt.”

Steve handed her the arm, giving a soft, apologetic smile. She gave the same smile back, looking a little more pitiful. He didn't mind. They didn't know that Bucky was good, under all the conditioning and torture. They know he used to be Bucky Barnes, but that all he was now was the Soldier. Steve knew he still had Bucky in him, and always would. The moment the doctor left, he released Steve.

Steve smiled, taking his shirt and dabbing at the blood on Bucky's lip. It reminded him of before, when he found Steve in some alley getting beat, saved his skin and chewed him out after, tending to his wounds all the while. Steve wished they could both have each other's backs the same way as before. He sighed, “When something hurts you, tell me, and I'll make it stop from now on, okay?”

Bucky only blinked, reciting, “The Winter Solider is a weapon, not a human. If it is damaged, it will be repaired. Pain does not matter as long as there is no injury.”

“Who are you?” He probed gently, trying not to wince at that answer.

He blinked, touching the socket. He couldn't be a weapon if they took away his greatest asset. According to Steve, he was, “Bucky Barnes...”

“And Bucky used to bitch when he was hurt, especially if it was my fault.”

“You hurt me? I don't remember that...” Bucky frowned.

“No! No, never. I would get in fight and you would have to defend me.”

His eyes flashed with memory and his lips quirked upwards in a rare little smile that made Steve’s heart jump up, “You were so fucking scrawny... Still can't believe what they shaped you up into.”

Steve smiled back, “Yeah... Still picking fights though. Only now I can actually win them.”

The doctor came back in with the arm, “We disabled and removed the trackers. Mr. Stark says we could make you a prosthetic that’s more-”

“This will do.” Bucky moves forward, taking his arm, “Steve will you reattach this so I can leave?”

Steve took it, wincing, “I... I don’t think you...”

“Director Fury will discuss the situation with you once you’re ready, Captain Rogers.” She smiled and left, shutting the door.

Steve started putting the arm back on, “Remember, tell me if it hurts. And I... I don’t know if you’re going to be able to leave immediately, but I’ll do everything I can to get them to let you go.”

“Even though I’m dangerous?” He raised an eyebrow, “A killer, really.”

Steve sighed, “Not anymore. We’ll find a way to keep you safe and keep everyone else safe too.” He stood, “I’ll be back soon, alright? Try to eat or sleep.”

* * *

“Would it kill Fury to come down and see me in person if he’s going to call for me?”

Natasha gave a small shrug. She knew everything with Bucky had Steve wound up tight, but Fury had new, pressing matters, “Other issues came up. We have an idea for what to do about James. We want to recondition him into being a normal person again. It’s not an easy transition. But we can’t use him for any missions until we know he’s under control and sane. We’re looking at candidates to house him-”

“I’ll do it.” Steve nodded.

Of course he would. Captain America was unbearably self sacrificing. This was well known, and in moments like this, it was exhausting. Natasha sighed, “No, you have other obligations. Besides, your personal relationship could make this harder on both of you.”

“It’ll help him. Nobody else remembers the world the way it was but him and me. He’d be at risk for killing or hurting anyone else, I’m strong enough in case he relapses. Plus, he trusts me.”

Natasha nodded, seeing the point, “I’ll talk to Fury about it, but this really isn’t a good idea.”

“I don’t see why it isn’t. You know anyone else watching him wouldn’t make sense. They wouldn’t know how to treat him. I grew up with him, I know. And if he slipped, unless you put him with a mutant or a super-human, they’d be dead.”

“He still can kill you.” She sighed, knowing Steve had set his mind on this, “We’re going to tell him that he’s assigned as a bodyguard to whoever he is in custody of. He’s been a guard for certain missions, we think giving him this idea decreases the likelihood of casualties or injuries.”

“That sounds like a good plan. He needs to be eased out of what happened to him, “Steve nods, “I’m going back to see how he is. Try to talk to Fury, if he isn’t too busy.”

* * *

Tuesday, Bucky was in his house. It nearly scared him to death to find him standing attention, waiting. He looked at Steve, “Captain. Director Fury gave me the key and information to get in. I’m going to be your guard and weapon from now on. Should we set ground rules?”

Steve nodded, “At ease, Buck. Yeah, good to see you, uh... Foods in the pantry and fridge, I keep it well stocked, you’re welcome to anything. Guest room is all yours, and you can use my shower.”

Bucky blinked in confusion, going to parade rest, “What are your rules, sir?”

Steve frowned, sitting and thinking for a good bit, “You can call me Steve, we're friends. Don't hurt others unless they are a threat. Don't risk yourself too much, I'm strong as well, and I’d rather get hurt than have you dead. You need to eat and sleep regularly, and tell me if you're hurt or injured.”

“You're giving me a lot of freedom, far more than I'm used to. Do you realize this?” Bucky looked uneasy and tense, like he was bracing for a blow.

“I do, and it's staying that way, Buck.”

Bucky nodded curtly, “I managed to eat and sleep in the SHIELD containment unit. I won't need to do either again for another few weeks.”

Steve frowned, “Well would you want to?”

Bucky doesn't look like he understands, because he truly doesn't. Steve went on, “You don’t have to be the Winter Soldier anymore, you’re Bucky Barnes. You will always be him to me. So tell me, what does Bucky Barnes want, if he could have anything in the world?”

Bucky gave a little nod, “Steve, if I may, why am I not the Winter Soldier? I’m guarding you. I have a mission. What I want most of all is to fulfill my mission. I want to keep you safe, alive, and in good health.”

“Buck, you're not totally like anymore. You're going to go back to being Bucky and I'm going to help you. That's part of your job here.”

“What if I fail? What if I can't be Bucky the way you remember me?” He asked softly. Before, he was sure he could complete any mission given. This one was different, and made him uneasy. He had what was Bucky stripped from his brain and buried under. It likely couldn’t even be fully recovered.

“You won't be just like the Bucky I remember. But you won't be the Winter Soldier either. You're something different from either of those, because you're free now. But whatever you become, your name is Bucky and you’re a person”

Bucky nodded a little, taking it all in, “I can ask for things I want? Will they be given to me?”

“Within reason, I'll do what I can.”

Bucky nodded a little, “I want a hot shower. I can't remember the last time... May I have a hot shower?”

“Knock yourself out.” Steve smiled, beyond pleased at Bucky managing to ask, “Go down that hallway, second door, alright? I'll be right out here.”

Bucky frowned, shaking his head and realizing, “No, I can't. Who's going to watch over you while I'm showering? I'll be vulnerable.” He looked around the house uncertainly.

Steve bit his lip, “I think I'll be safe. I promise I'll be safe, alright? Please go.”

Bucky, taking it as an order, went to the bathroom and showered. Steve prepared soup for when he was out, unsure what Bucky's stomach could handle after years of undereating. He wanted to make him a real person again. He know it would be a long process, but Buck already started expressing desires.

Bucky emerged five minutes later, head poking out of the cracked bathroom door, “Am I allowed to use your towels?”

“What's mine is yours,” Steve smiled, pouring out bowls for them both.

Bucky wandered out, towel around his waist. Steve's eyes were drawn to the scar tissue surrounding his bionic arm. He tried to focus on his face, but it was hard. It was old tissue, healed fairly well, but it was still there. His best friend still lost his entire arm, nearly dying in the process. His best friend lost a lot.

Bucky shifted, “Where is clothing? Will you have me in unofficial armor, uniform, or civvies?”

Steve shrugged, “You can borrow some of my clothes for now. They're in the drawers,” he pointed to his room.

He added that to the list of things he needed to get for Bucky. He didn’t know what, if anything, Bucky had with him. He wanted this to become home for him, so that he felt safe. He was just having a hard time figuring out how.

* * *

Bucky shut the door behind him. He didn't want to, but he didn't want Steve to see his scars and pity him any more. It made him uncomfortable enough already.

He found sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt in Steve’s drawer. They would do for now. He didn’t want the lifelike prosthetic that was offered, but he could tell the HYDRA issued arm made Steve uncomfortable. He would keep it out of sight, to please his commander. But he would not sacrifice function for image.

He looked at himself in the mirror for one brief moment before turning and assessing the room. There was one window, facing the side of the bed. Besides that, the door was the only other exit. The room was smaller, which was good. There were few things in here; the drawers, a desk, and a bed. He would ask Steve permission to check for wires, cameras, or bugs, later. For now, he was sure Steve expected him to be playing human more.

He walked out, trying to move less mechanically. Steve was sitting at the dinner table, smiling expectantly, “I made us soup. Want to try and eat?”

Bucky nodded and sat down. Steve was strange. He gave suggestions, not orders. He followed the suggestions as best he could, not wanting to learn what happened if he refused.

There was a blurred vision of Steve in his mind, like the memory of a dream. Not the Steve from the museum, or the files, or the missions. His Steve, from the old days. It was strange. He looked at Steve for a while. They were very similar, severed and scattered across time. Little flashes of him came to mind, especially with prompting. But he still wasn’t entirely _there_ , and he knew it.

Steve smiled politely, “If you don't think you can eat, you don't have to.”

Bucky starts eating, angry with himself. He's getting too distracted. He's no longer taking the slew of drugs that kept him operational as an asset, which makes this harder. Already he's spent too much time away from Steve showering, and even now he wasn't alert enough to follow and order, nevertheless stop a threat.

“Your window is in an inopportune location. Someone could shoot you as you slept.” He mentions as he eats. People talk casually. He decided to try that, Steve might like it, and it served a purpose, "If you're shot dead, I will have failed my mission.

Steve nodded, “It's bulletproof glass, high end stuff. Thanks for worrying for me though.”

“It's my job.” He nodded factually, “May I check for wires and bugs after dinner?”

“I go through every week for that. Tasha helps. But thanks.” Steve watched Bucky, like he was waiting for something grand to happen.

Bucky frowned, “What can I do for you, sir? I only-” he stopped himself. He broke a rule. His commander was Steve, not sir. He knew that, he _knew_ that, but he just fell into his normal habit. He supposed that's why they punished him so often: to keep him in line with whatever new rules were set. If that's why, then he was certain what was next, despite how good and relaxed of a commander Steve was.

Steve frowned, but kept eating, “Just get healthy. Regular healthy. They told me some of the chemicals HYDRA put in you, I... Bucky, what's wrong?”

Bucky didn't know what his face showed. He closed his eyes, “I know I’ve made an error. What's the protocol for punishment under your care?”

Steve shook his head, looking like he was hardly hiding horror from his face. Strange. There was nothing inherently bad about protocol, or the enforcement of his rules. Steve just kept looking sad and scared for him, “No, no, you just made a little mistake, it's fine.”

Bucky was tense, expecting a hit soon, or a shock. He flexed his fingers slightly, making sure his hand wasn't remotely disabled yet. Handlers and commanders could be sly with punishments. Perhaps Steve was playing a game. It didn't fit his perception of Steve, but he was here to learn.

Steve went over, hugging him. It was weird. He didn't know if there was something else happening. He didn't hug back or move much, just letting Steve embrace him.

“I won't hurt you, Buck. You're my friend.” He sighed, pulling away.

Bucky nodded, still uncertain about everything. Steve smiled softly, taking the mostly empty bowls up, “I'm sorry. I don't want you to be scared of me. You're my friend and all I want is for you to get better.”

Bucky stood, moving himself between the living room window and Steve. He knew this house wasn't safe, he shot Director Fury through it. He didn't want to say that to Steve, to remind him that he was a killer. Even though his attempt on Fury was failed, there were many others that succeeded. For Steve’s sake, he had to stay human for now.

Steve seemed to think he was sick and would get better. Steve was wrong. He was a weapon, not a person. He was broken, and he didn't know if he would be fixed.


	2. Chapter 2

At eleven, Steve guided Bucky to the guest room, giving little reassurances about how it was safe and comfortable it was there. He talked about how the blanket was a little scratchy, but warm, as if that mattered to Bucky. There wasn’t a window in here. Only one door, not counting the small closet. He considered this all. While it was harder for possible threats to get in, it would also be more difficult for him to get out. 

He liked the proximity to Steve’s room, right across the hallway. But he hated that they had to be apart. He promised multiple times that he would be better off not sleeping and just watching over him for the night. Steve refused. Actions like this made him wonder why a body guard was requested for someone so unwilling to be guarded, but it wasn’t his place to question. 

Steve gave him a soft little smile, “I’m going to be right in my room. If you need anything, ask me.”

“Yes, Steve. Goodnight.” Bucky nodded. Most of his needs were more than fulfilled. He was allowed water and food at his own discretion. He was not being put in unnecessary pain, and he was even allowed to sleep. He laid down in the bed awkwardly, wondering how sleep would come. He never had leisure like this. Sleep was only when he was desperate, or when they put him under. Steve promised that cryogenic sleep would no longer happen. He wondered what SHIELD would do when his behavior patterns became irregular. He hoped they had a plan. 

Two hours later and sleep hadn’t come. He tried to make his mind blank and focused on sleeping, the way he blanked out and focused on a mission. That only made his heart rate increase slightly with anticipation. He buried himself under the blanket, focusing on its texture. It was more comfortable than he was used to. The slight abrasion sparked a little memory of a dull building. He tried to chase the thought, but it was fleeting. Steve was in that building. He knew it, he just didn’t know how he knew.

He figured that checking on Steve might calm him some. It was his mission, after all. He crept silently into the room to find his commander curled up, asleep. Bucky drew the curtains and stood in front of the window. He found himself caring about Steve’s life more than he did his average commander. For many, their passing meant punishment. And while Steve’s undoubtedly would as well, he would feel sad too.

He stood there, watching the gentle rise and fall of the Captain’s chest, seeing him relaxed and at ease. He didn’t know why, but it made him smile. Maybe he could be Steve’s friend, like he wanted.

Steve’s eyes flicked open. He saw the shape of Bucky before understanding what it was, and immediately pulled his gun, standing, before giving a soft little sigh and a laugh, “Bucky... you scared me. I nearly...”

“I am sorry for disregarding your order to sleep, I could not achieve it within a reasonable time frame. My overall mission is considered more important to me. I decided to attend to you and guard you.” Bucky tried to not look nervous. Steve said he wouldn’t be punished, but that still made very little sense to him.

Steve nodded a little, “That’s alright, Buck. But try to lay down for a bit more, please?”

Bucky looked at the window uncertainly. He hated it, how vulnerable it left Steve. Steve gave a little curious look, “Remember when the roof leaked? It was in May, right before you went off to basic?”

Bucky tried hard. He got little flashes; the smell of rotting wood, the soft feeling of it underfoot. Steve licked his lips, “It soaked my mattress. We had to throw it out, but we couldn’t afford another one. I slept in the tub the first night, but you just wouldn’t have it. But I didn’t want you going and sleeping on the floor or anything either. Argued all over dinner, but in the end, we just ended up sharing your bed.”

Bucky gave a slow little nod, snippets of that ringing true with what his hazily returning memory supplied. Steve gave him a look and moved over, patting the bed, “So this won’t be too much different. You can still protect me from right here.”

Bucky followed orders, laying down next to Steve. He supposed they were both much smaller back then. Despite the larger mattress, they’re pressed near to one another. But he doesn’t give any sign of complaint. His body would shield a bullet through the window at this angle, unless it came from a higher point. He wraps his metal arm around Steve’s waist, shielding his vital organs in case someone might. Steve gave a soft gasp, but didn’t say anything except, “Try to sleep, okay Buck?”

Bucky didn’t know when, but he fell asleep. He didn’t dream. He hardly ever dreamt. He woke up to a blaring noise, and Steve moving beside him. He gripped tight on instinct, protective. Steve struggled a little, “Just my alarm, Buck, c’mon...” He grumbled tiredly.

Bucky let go and moved back as Steve made the alarm stop. Steve smiled at him, “Did you sleep well?”

Bucky gave a small nod. He managed to sleep, and there were no nightmares. He supposed it was fairly good. He made himself smile, because he knew that would make Steve happy. Steve beamed at him, getting up and stretching, changing into basketball shorts and a tee, “I usually go running in the mornings. You can join me if you want?

Bucky gave a little nod, standing and stretching himself. It would be good both to keep himself in shape now that the medicines were gone, and to watch over Steve, “I’ll accompany you.”

He and Steve went out to jog. He kept good pace with Steve, and even though very few people were out this early, he was glad his arm was mostly covered. He kept his eyes open for any signs of threat nearby. He was glad to get out an exercise, it let him focus himself on something he could achieve. Steve seemed to take pleasure in his company. They didn’t talk much as they ran, but there was camaraderie in it.

Steve finished running, and walked back home, smiling at Bucky in little glances, “Sam runs with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but those are sort of my off days. It’s nice to have someone who can keep a steady pace with me.”

Bucky made himself smile again. Steve's face brightened, and he jostled Bucky's elbow with his own. There was a spark of something there. It made Bucky remember more how they were—friends. Allies. No, friends. They helped and cared for one another and spent time together. The museum told him as much, but it was far different to remember it, to know it as true.

When they got back to the apartment, Steve insisted Bucky showered first. Bucky used only cold water. It would wake his senses up more, cool him down, and preserve the warm water for Steve. He was amazed how hot water was so easily accessible this easily. They used to have to boil the water, and even then, he would give it all to Steve anyways.

Bucky gasped aloud and smiled, that was right. He would leave all the hot water for Steve then too. The cold water was so bad for his health, and it was already rough enough. He toweled himself off, excited, putting the sweatpants back on, then, after a moment of consideration, the shirt. He leaned his head and hollered out “Steve!” 

Steve ran in, looking panicked, but relaxed to see him just standing there, smiling, “Yeah?”

“We... we’d heat the water up til it boiled. And you’d always bathe first, I’d make you,” He chewed his lip, “That’s true, isn’t it?”

Steve was smiling brilliantly, “Yeah, Buck, that’s true. I’m glad you’re starting to remember.”

Bucky smiled, hugging Steve gently, just like Steve did earlier to him. It felt nice. He felt good, better. Steve was genuinely happy for him to remember. It made it all so much sweeter to know. He wasn’t going to punish Bucky for questioning about the past, or for remembering. He was honestly and truly with him for it.

“I’m so glad you’re becoming yourself again,” Steve pulled back, still beaming, “By the way, Tasha dropped off some extra clothes for you, they’re in a bag on the table.” 

Steve clapped Bucky on the back, another friendly gesture, before heading to shower himself. Bucky raised a hand to his face, touching the corner of his lips. He didn’t have to force himself to smile. He was genuinely happy about this, about the memory and about Steve. The smile stayed as he went, getting the clothes out of the bag and changed into those instead. He didn’t know what to do with his used clothing, Steve had given him no instructions on that. 

He wasn’t sure who exactly Tasha was; he surveyed his memory for people associated with Steve. It was a feminine name. Tasha was either the red woman or the blonde. He hoped it was the blonde. The red woman tugged little strands of memory from his time as the weapon. No one who did that meant anything good. Especially if they were close to Steve. 

Bucky considered it a little. He wasn’t the weapon anymore, was he? He was weaker by far, and closer to being a person again. Steve was making him Bucky, just like he promised. It was strange, but he felt himself allowing it more than he did even a few hours ago.

Steve got out of the shower, towel around his waist. Bucky smiled softly at him again as he went to his room, leaving Bucky standing there. Bucky remembered something, going and knocking gently on the door, “Steve? Where do I place my used clothing?”

“Just pick a corner in your room, we'll do laundry later in the week.”

Bucky nodded, taking the garments and placing them gently in a corner of the guest room.

Steve spent most the rest of the day studying through a folder of information. He explained that it was the necessary information to an upcoming mission, so he would know who he was facing. They would be raiding the safe house of Russian guerilla fighters to aide smaller independent countries. He said this all casually while he read. Bucky wondered why he was giving classified information to the Soldier so freely. Even though he was being made into Bucky, he didn’t believe himself to be this trustworthy. Either way, he sat by Steve, just tending to him, waiting for an order.

Steve would look up at him from time to time. Some of his commanders disliked his gaze, despite the fact that he was there to guard them. But he would watch until Steve told him not to, through order or suggestion. 

Steve sat up and stretched after a long while, “Wanna head down to the store with me? We're low on some things. I mean, you don't have to if you're not comfortable... “

Bucky nodded, standing, “I'll accompany you. What's the protocol for this?”

“We're going to the store,” Steve chewed his lip, “Purchasing necessities. Just relax and walk by me, and don't attack anyone unless it's an emergency. Alright?”

Bucky nodded, walking to the car with him. He scanned the road as Steve drove, cautious. It was unlikely for there to be IUDs or false checkpoints on the streets of America, but it didn't hurt to look. He'd done his fair share of damage here on plenty of occasions. Steve glanced over his way, frowning, “Relax, Buck, it’s okay.”

He made himself appear more relaxed, shoulders drooping, jaw less set. He wasn’t one to go and disobey an order. He needed to relax, or at least make it seem to Steve like he was relaxed. He gave a little smile as Steve pulled up and parked. Bucky got out, opening the door for Steve. He looked a little surprised, as though this wasn’t what Bucky was assigned to do. 

Steve walked through the aisles casually, placing things in a basket, continuing to talk to Bucky like he was a real person. “Cheese tastes different now. It’s still good, but it’s so different. Healthier too. Fruits though, they’re available year round, and they’re so cheap. We can actually go buy a whole pound of oranges for five dollars. There’s fruits I didn’t even know existed. You ever tasted a kiwi?”

“No.”

“Alright, we’re grabbing some, they’re great. And feel free to get anything you like. SHIELD gives me a nice paycheck, so honestly, anything you want.”

“The asset does not want. It will receive what it is given.” Bucky muttered, too distracted by the people to stop himself from giving the automatic response. Steve turned to him, looking a little crushed. Bucky sighed, looking down. It was hard to disregard decades of instruction to adjust to the new rules of being Bucky. If Steve would actually punish him, it would make him learn faster, but he knew not to even suggest that. 

Bucky licked his lips a little, whispering, “I’m sorry, Steve. I won’t say that again.”

Steve nodded, “You’re allowed to want now. I know it’s a hard transition, but...”

Bucky nods, looking away, ashamed. He followed quietly the rest of the time, scanning for threats, trying not to make more mistakes. He didn’t want to disappoint Steve any more than he already had. He watched the people, how they walked and interacted, wondering if he could ever make himself more like them.

A boy started crying to his mother, demanding a bag of sweets, grabbing it off the shelf. She scolded him gently for the noise and placed it back where it was. The mother saw him watching and gave a small, apologetic smile. 

A group of teenagers rolled by, chips and sodas in hand. They were talking amongst themselves, laughing, and taking pictures. Bucky turned his face away from them, moving in front of Steve as well, protecting them, wary of the cameras. Steve didn’t say anything about it, which he was glad for. 

As Steve was picking through the produce, Bucky saw two women holding hands. He watched blankly, thinking about human contact. People liked human contact. He wondered if he could make himself enjoy it at all again. One of the women caught his eye and glared, kissing the others cheek. Did friends kiss each other? He knew women were usually far more affectionate than men. Bucky dropped his gaze, trying to stop himself from getting lost in thought again. He needed to be alert.

Steve went to check out and pay, Bucky watched him. Would Steve be happier if he made himself make contact? He wanted to ask someone about this all. He knew that question would only make Steve look sad at him all over again. He didn’t want that.

When they got to the car, Steve pulled a tiny black notebook out of one of the shopping bags and handed it over to him, “Here. I want you to start writing things down. It helps a lot. Write down anything you want to know about so you can remember to look it up later. I’ll show you the internet once we get home. And maybe write down things about the past that you can remember, like our bathtub?”

Bucky nodded, grabbing a pen sitting on the dashboard. Steve had very clearly given him an order, one he knew he could follow. On one page, he wrote,

_Steve & I shared a flat in Brooklyn_  
_We would heat up water on the stove for baths_  
_Steve was sick a lot before the serum_  
_I was a person, not a weapon_

He nodded, pleased, before starting on another page,

_What happened to KGB?_  
_Why is there a fruit surplus?_  
_What is Ukraine?_  
_Who is Bucky Barnes?_  
_What are friends like?_

“Do you need to review my work?” Bucky asked Steve after he set the pen down, “I believe I have done a satisfactory job, but I would like to be sure of meeting your standards.”

Steve smiled, “I’m sure you did great Bucky. This book is for you, and for you to keep track of everything, okay?”

Bucky nodded, getting out and opening the door for Steve again before grabbing the bags. Steve looked at him with a small amount of amusement in his eyes, “You know I could take some of those myself, right? I’m not some wilting flower.”

Bucky shook his heads, “I’m assigned to you. Unless you would prefer to carry them yourself, I-”

“Yeah, pass them over.” Steve grinned, still looking amused. Bucky gives half of the bags off to Steve, holding the rest with his metal arm, walking up with him. Steve carried his in only on hand as well. Bucky’s eye went right to his empty hand. Could male friends hold hands? Would Steve let him? He thought about it for a bit, but ultimately lost his nerve by the time they got to the apartment. He had fought armies, why did treating Steve like a friend make him nervous?

Steve unlocked and opened the door, and the Soldier instantly moved in front of him, pulling out the knife it had stored in its shoe. There was an intruder. The red woman was sitting at Steve’s table. She drew her gun upon the Soldier’s movements. Steve placed a hand on its shoulder, “Easy Bucky, it’s just Natasha.”

Bucky. Bucky. He was Bucky, not the Soldier. He was Steve’s friend, Bucky. And this was Steve’s friend Natasha, who Steve didn’t think would hurt them. He disagreed with that, but Steve was his commander as well. Bucky lowered his knife and the red woman lowered her gun, “You dropped the eggs, James, looks like they’ve broken.”

Bucky knelt, picking up the bags. She was right, some of the eggs had broken and were leaking onto the cardboard container. Steve took the bag from him, throwing out the broken ones. Bucky looked down. He had failed again today. Any other commander would have him beaten within an inch of his life. Steve just gave him a sad little smile, “Don’t worry about the eggs. Thanks for being prepared, I guess, but Nat has a key, she’s cool.”

“Sir, excuse my doubt, but she’s worked for foreign, and often enemy intelligence agencies. She is not American and has been trained by the enemy. I don’t think you can trust her.”

She laughed, “I’m not the only one in this room who’s been trained by the enemy and worked for them. Do you even hear yourself?”

Bucky stopped. She was completely right. He looked at Steve, who just shrugged, “Nat’s like you, she wanted to join the good guys. I trust her, you should too. You have a lot in common.”

“Steve, a word?” She shifted. Bucky frowned. He didn’t want to leave Steve alone with Natasha, but he was so certain that she was good and safe to be around. She gave him a sly, mischievous little smile, “Don’t worry James, Мы будем принимать только одну минуту.”

Bucky frowned at her as they stepped into the hall. He busied himself cleaning the egg off a plastic bag containing shredded cheese. He didn’t listen, as it wasn’t for him, and he had disappointed Steve far more than enough today. He didn’t like the woman playfully teasing him. They were not friends. They had similarities, sure, but he did not trust her.

Steve returned, looking very unhappy, but saying nothing. Bucky didn’t ask. Natasha sat back down, “James, do you remember me?”

Bucky refrained from informing her how redundant that question was when he just showed that he clearly did. If she worked with Steve, she was likely superior to Bucky, “Yes, ma’am, you worked for the Soviets, trained in the Red Room. A top student, if your record has not been topped.”

She frowned a little, he wondered if it had anything to do with the Red Room. Her marks had likely been surpassed, if it was still running. She shook her head, “Think harder, James.”

Bucky looked at Steve, confused. He kept his face blank, turning away and working on preparing food. He looked back to Natasha, “I’m sorry, Ms. Romanova. I don’t recall much else. They wiped my memory often to keep me functioning well.”

“Seriously? ‘Ms. Romanova?’” She laughed more, “You can call me Natasha. We’ll be seeing each other a lot. But I didn’t come here just to talk with you and eat stir fry.”

“You’re staying for lunch?” Steve said, still obviously agitated about their conversation.

“Yes. We need to talk about the mission next week. You’ve read over the files I left you?”

Bucky sat as they discussed the upcoming mission. Steve set a bowl of food in front of him, and he ate, as was expected of him. Natasha and Steve started arguing about him, which he ignored. Bucky would apparently be left here during the mission. He understood. While he was highly skilled, he was not controllable without trigger words or proper conditioning, the former of which Steve refused to enact. Natasha thought that Bucky should be left with SHIELD personnel, while Steve thought he would be alright on his own, not trusting them.

“He clearly won’t function well on his own, Steve, anything he’s done, he’s done by your instruction. He wasn’t even assigned to you originally. It’s best-”

“I know what’s best for him. You think he wants to be handled by anyone else? Go on, ask him.”

“Best idea you’ve had this whole time,” She frowned, “James, what do you think?”

Bucky looked between the two of them, swallowing a mouthful, then looking away, “I think I should be put back in a cryogenic chamber. It will stop others from hurting me, and will stop me from hurting others. My physical state is well, but my mental state has been unreliable since I’ve left HYDRA. It may improve my behavior significantly.”

He looked up. Steve seemed like he was about to be sick. Natasha nodded thoughtfully. Steve turned, looking disgusted, “Are you actually considering this? It’s not happened, Buck, I told you, you’re _never_ going back on ice, you’re _never_ being treated like that again. Ever.”

“I’m sorry, Steve.” He went quiet, head hurting. He hated this. He wished Steve would punish him instead of just yell and look sad. But he didn’t. He told Bucky not to apologize, and promised him again that he was safe. Natasha finished her food, sighing, and continuing to go over details of the mission. After a while, they got sidetracked, talking about things that didn’t matter, like women for Steve to date, and shows for him to watch. Bucky didn’t focus on what they said much. His head was pounding and his stomach ached. 

Natasha left later on. Bucky said goodbye, making himself smile. After she was gone, he turned to Steve, remembering one of his first rules, “Steve, I’m currently in pain.”

“What? Where?” Steve looked him over.

“My head and my stomach. My stomach can be attributed to heavier and more food than I am used to or comfortable with. I do not know the cause of my headache.” He said factually.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve made you something else, you didn’t have to eat that.” Steve shook his head. More things Bucky had done wrong. “I’ll get you some medicine I guess, I think there’s some in the first aide kit.”

Bucky follows Steve, who hands him some pills. He swallows them, not making eye contact. Steve looked at him with pity, which was sickening, “Do you need to lay down? I could show you the internet and you could lay on the couch.”

Bucky nodded, letting Steve do whatever he wanted. Steve had far more important things to be doing, but he tended to Bucky for some reason. It baffled him. 

Steve showed him how to work the laptop. He’d used similar databases before, but he listened patiently anyways. He instructed Bucky how to use it, and not to click any advertisements, especially if they promised free things or women to date. Steve turned a little red saying talking about that. Bucky listened patiently, and started searching. Steve stood up, “I have to attend a briefing. It’s classified. Will you be alright alone if I leave?”

Bucky nods slowly, wishing he could accompany Steve, but knowing he would be little, if any, help. Steve smiled, handing him a small device, “Here. It’s not a great phone, but if you need to contact me, my numbers loaded on it.”

Steve left. Bucky read up on the history of Russia. He was concerned with every incident involving the United States, wondering what role he may have played in them throughout history. Certain faces seemed familiar, but he didn’t want to chase those memories like he did his memories of Steve. His aches managed to wane after a while. 

Steve came back late, more bags in his hands, “Bucky? I stopped by the store on the way home. I grabbed some diet shakes, they’ve got a lot of healthy stuff in them. I want you to drink them when... when you feel hunger or are low on necessary minerals.”

Bucky nodded, “Thank you, Steve. I would like to report that my head and stomach are better, and that I’ve studied contemporary Russian and American history.”

Steve smiled, “That’s good, you’ve done good. I got fast food while I was out, I figured you don’t want more food right now?”

“No, thank you Steve.” Bucky felt a smile light up his face. He did a good job and Steve was happy with him. He stood, realizing he forgot to read up on friends and human interaction. He didn’t mention this to Steve. 

“Alright. Do you think you can try to sleep tonight?”

Bucky nodded a little, following Steve into the bedroom. Steve smiled, “Wait, here, I got you some pajamas. You really don’t have to wear the same thing every day.”

Bucky nodded, taking the softer clothing and setting it down, stripping and changing. Steve went to the room, getting himself dressed. Bucky put his discarded clothing in the corner of the guest bedroom with the others.

He went to Steve, laying down and curling protectively around him just like before. He wondered if this counted as friendly human contact. He decided it didn’t. His body was a shield for Steve, nothing more. He found sleep again, more easily than he thought was possible.

* * *

The next few days passed much of the same way. He made less mistakes, learning how to act more human and how to make Steve happy. Thursday, they ran with Sam. Sam didn’t seem to like him very much, so he didn’t talk much. Steve more work at SHIELD that day. Bucky accompanied him this time, standing near him as he went to and from different meetings. 

Friday, they did laundry and other chores. As they were waiting for it to wash, Steve sat and told Bucky more about their past. Bucky reached over a bit through, taking his hand. It seemed to surprise Steve, but he allowed it, holding Bucky’s back. The contact, combined with hearing stories about the past, made Bucky happy. By the end of the day, he had more genuine memories written down:

_Steve & I shared a flat in Brooklyn_  
_We would heat up water on the stove for baths_  
_Steve was sick a lot before the serum_  
_I was a person, not a weapon_  
_I knew how to make potato leek soup, Steve’s favorite_  
_Steve moved in after his ma died_  
_Steve and I would save up our money and go to Coney Island_  
_My first kiss was at Coney Island with a brunette named May_  
_I used to have girls I was sweet on_  
_Steve did not_  
_Steve didn’t ever mind his own business_  
_Steve nearly got me stabbed once_

Saturday, Steve made him meet with Tony Stark to check up on his arm. He didn’t like Stark, but Steve insisted on it. He allowed it, but only because he was ordered to. He found himself to be more nervous this time when his arm was removed. Stark noticed the tension Bucky was trying to control, and suggested a therapist to help with ‘PTSD’. Bucky wrote that term down later, deciding to research it next time Steve gave him permission to use the laptop.

Sunday night, Steve sat him down, looking unhappy, “Bucky? Listen, we’ve all talked it over, and we think you’re going to be okay alone for a week, but only if you want to be alone, alright?”

Bucky nodded, considering the fact that he didn’t know or like anyone well enough to be left with them for the week, and most people he had interacted with were likely going on this mission. “I will be okay alone for a week.”

“Good! I have enough food for you, and I’ll call you every day, unless there’s something wrong. You can use the laptop, you’re allowed to go out for whatever you need.” He smiled warmly, “I leave tomorrow morning.”

Bucky nodded, uneasy at the thought of Steve leaving, but he knew it was necessary. He leaned in, kissing Steve on the cheek gently, “Be safe. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t come back.”

Steve looked a little surprised again. Bucky didn’t know why. They were friends, that was all. He decided friends could be like this. Steve smiled at him, “I’ll come back, don’t even start to worry about that.”

Bucky hugged him, still worried. They both eventually went to bed. Bucky found it harder to sleep this night. Despite the order, he was worried about Steve, about the mission, about what might happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Google translate was used for the Russian. Apologies in case anyone who reads this actually knows Russian.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The work features sexual themes from here on out. This chapter contains only mentions of masturbation and pornography.

**Monday**

“Hello?” Bucky answered on the second call, still figuring out the new phone.

“Hey Bucky, it’s me.” Steve smiled, then added, “Steve.”

“I know your voice.” Bucky smiled softly, “How was the flight?

“Long.”

_“You can’t still be mad at me about this, Steve. It wasn’t relevant information at the time-”_

_“Relevant? You knew he was out there. Alive. You worked with him. You... You were lovers! But all I get is some false story about getting shot by the Soldier during a job. I thought I could trust you.”_

_“You can trust me. I’m sorry I didn’t want to divulge personal information, do you want a complete list of everyone I’ve ever slept with? And for what it’s worth, he did shoot me. He seems to have forgotten, but you know I don’t work for my home country anymore.” Natasha looked hurt. Steve felt bad, but didn’t relent. He was beyond unhappy._

_“I respect the fact that the past is the past, but you never decided to tell me that my best friend was still alive?” Steve paced, unhappy, “I didn’t, I don’t care that he was stripped of his entire identity, He’s still my Bucky.”_

_“When I knew him, all he knew about his past was his name and his training. James Barnes may as well have been a code name. I honestly figured it was, at the time. By the time I knew the truth, I knew it would compromise our mission against HYDRA.”_

_Steve went quiet, hearing footsteps._

_Tony entered the room, “If you’re going to bicker this much, can’t I know what it’s about? If you’re going on about it, it_ must _be relevant to the mission.”_

_Steve looked at Natasha. She opened her mouth in disbelief, “It’s hardly your business, and it’s definitely not Stark’s._

_”May as well be. Seems everyone knows more about everything than me.”_

_She shook her head, “You really wanna explore his history with Starks, you can. I’m sure that conversation will go well.”_

_”Can someone tell me what the hell this is all about?” Tony said, cutting off Steve before he could even start._

_“Personal business.” Natasha scowled, mostly aimed at Steve, before leaving the room._

_Tony watched her leave, then raised an eyebrow at Steve, “Are you and her... y’know... doing it?”_

_“No!” Steve frowned, “Natasha is a friend. It’s just... personal business.”_

_”Alright.” He rolled his eyes, “Okay. I can keep secrets too, y’know.”_  
_Tony left the small room, leaving Steve alone to watch the clouds pass. He hated it, that someone knew Bucky then and didn’t help him, didn’t save him. He knew Natasha was likely just as brainwashed at the time, but it still hurt. It was clear from Wednesday that Bucky didn’t remember her at all. He doubted Natasha could have done anything to save him. He didn’t understand how they could have a relationship, when Bucky’s interactions with people were so obviously awkward. Natasha once explained that with enough training, people who were hardly people could still play the part. He tried to forget about that conversation entirely, but it was so relevant to what Bucky had gone through._

“I’m sorry, Steve.” Bucky’s voice on the other side made him feel better, but conflicted. Was he just reverting to the same training? Pretending to be a person as a mission? If so, why was... no. Steve refused to see the shared bed, the hand holding, the kiss yesterday, as anything like _that_. Bucky was just confused and learning how to be human again. Mistakes were good, it meant everything was genuine. 

“Not your fault. Besides, it was nice enough. How are you holding up?”

“I’ve managed to drink a diet shake and eat some ham. I’ve gone on my run, as usual, and done another scan of the apartment for bugs and wires, as you neglected to this week. Nothing to report as far as that goes.”

“That’s great, good job today.” He smiled, knowing Bucky loved reassurance of a job well done, “Well, I can’t talk long, but I’m glad you’re doing well. Remember, you can text me too, if there’s anything you need.”

“Yes, Steve. Stay safe.” He added softly. Steve hated that Bucky felt he needed to worry about him. He hated that Bucky needed to be on a mission to stay with him. He wished just getting better was enough for him, even though he knew it wouldn’t be. 

“I will, I promise, you too.”

“Bye, Steve.” Bucky smiled warmly. 

**Tuesday**

“Hello Steve.” Bucky smiled, answering, “How are you?”

“Okay. We met with the Ukrainians we'll be working with today, discussed and negotiated our plan. That went really well, Tasha was a lot of help with translation.”

“That's very nice.” He smiled. He didn't like her much, but he knew she had Steve's best interests at heart.

“How about you, how's your day gone?”

“Good. I... I learned a little more about American history and my role in it. Additionally, I've researched PTSD, remember Stark talking about it?” Bucky shifted a little, “It's very common in soldiers. Many websites suggest counselling. I think I may want counselling.”

“Oh.” Steve nodded, taking it in. They talked about what happened after war more nowadays. Before, it was just kept quiet, maybe discussed with the closest of friends. Sam helped him learn how to talk about it. He could have easily guessed that Bucky would have issues, but he didn't want to push him into talking until he was ready. Which was, apparently, now. “Okay, Buck, I'll find a good therapist. You can always talk to me, but I... I can only help you so much.”

Bucky nodded. It was a true statement. Steve could only help him so much before recoiling. He knows what he did as the Soldier repulsed Steve, as it should. He was a mercenary. It was far different than fighting in the war with Steve. Less valiant, less justified, less right. “I would like someone else to talk to as well, but... I'm not sure how much I want to be left alone with strangers yet. Especially if I'm giving them intel.”

“Okay. We can sort that out more when I get back. I'm glad you feel ready to talk about this. I think it will help you a lot.” 

“Yeah,” Bucky chewed his lip, something else bothering him, “Can... Steve, I'm financially dependent on you. Most other commanders leave it to me to find my own food, sometimes lodging. How will I pay you back for this, or is SHIELD funding us both?”

Bucky cared for him for years, whenever he fell too sick to work. Steve giving Bucky a place to stay didn't even begin to make up for that. But he knew Bucky wouldn't remember all of it well, nor accept that answer. That would be something to tell him later on down the line. For now, he would just have to lie. “Yeah, SHIELD is paying for you, don't worry.”

“Okay. Thank them for me please.” Bucky hummed, “If they want to use me at any point, I would allow it.”

“What?”

“I'm sure once I'm better, I can turn being a weapon on and off. They can use me for missions, like they use you and Natasha and Stark.” Bucky smiled at the thought of being able to fight at Steve's side again, even if it required them to abuse his head more. He would allow it, especially if it let him be useful to Steve and SHIELD. 

“You...” Steve tried not to sound judgmental, “You'd be a person who was fighting, not a weapon, okay?”

“Okay.” Bucky chewed his lip. He would be far less effective as a person. That's why he was made into a weapon. “Alright, Steve. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Stay safe.”

“You too.” Steve smiled, “You're doing really well on your own, in proud of you.”

“Thank you,” Bucky felt warm inside, “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Buck.”

**Wednesday**

“I have an incident to report, Steve.”

He came back to that text, which shot his heart rate up more than the firefight they'd just gone through. He called Bucky instantly, mind racing with everything that could have gone wrong, “Bucky?!”

“Yes, Steve.”

“Are you okay?”

“I have a bullet wound in my left leg and left arm. The wound in my leg has been taken care of and is healing. I have not removed the bullet from my left arm, in fear of ruining the mechanisms more. My little and ring finger are no longer operational; completely unresponsive to stimulus.” He said stiffly, “But the threat has been neutralized.”

“What threat? We're still here another two days, but I can fly out there now if you need me.”

“Two men attempted to break into to your home. They did not know I was there, they were likely attempting to place a wire or find intelligence on you in other ways. I do not know what organization they belong to. Their bodies have been properly discarded.” Bucky had cleaned the stains, and placed the two bodies across three suitcases. He placed them in separate dumps across the city. He found several interesting things in the dumpsters, but he wasn't going to tell Steve that unless directly asked.

Steve was quiet, registering all the information, “Thank you. You... You did a good job. Do you need me there?”

“Your mission is more important, and I am alive and well. I would like Stark to repair my arm when he returns with you. I'm sorry for getting injured, I've been less operational without the drugs.”

Steve's heart hurt. He wanted to get back right now and hold Bucky close, care for his wounds, and make him feel okay. “Alright. Is that all you have to report?”

Bucky looked at the half-torn magazine and the rosary on the table, “...Yes.”

Steve paused. Bucky was lying to him. He knew his best friend's voice, the way it changed. He was a little amazed at it. Bucky hadn't done anything insubordinate since he arrived back at Steve's home. Because of that, he decided to just allow this one. “Okay Bucky. I'll just be here a few more days to ensure everything goes well. I'll have someone bring you painkillers, I'm sure you're hurting.”

“Thank you very much, Steve.” Bucky smiled softly, “Stay safe.”

“You too. If your wound looks like it's getting bad, call me, okay? You did fantastic today, Buck. Thank you so much.”

“Yes, Steve.” He beamed, “Thank you Steve. Goodbye.”

“Bye, Bucky.” He hummed, still very concerned.

Bucky hung up, licking his lips, grabbing the magazine. The threat was dealt with, and had been reported, so he could return to personal matters. It showed men. Men naked, in all sorts of poses, doing all sorts of things. He didn't know what made him grab it, except a strange, tugging feeling in his gut. He knew this was supposed to be something kept personal. Something he wasn't sure if he was going to tell Steve. He felt bad about avoiding the truth, but he needed to. It sparked a memory, but one that he knew was secret from Steve. 

**Thursday**

“Steve!” He smiled wide, chewing at his lip, high as a kite.

“Bucky! I take it someone came by with painkillers?” he laughed a little, “How are things?”

“Yeah, yeah, it's great. I'm amazing.” Bucky smiled. These pills were nice. They relaxed him instead of tensing him up. He spent the last five hours finding out about pornography. There was a lot to find out. He'd found out about orgasms too, which spurred more fascinating memories. Memories he didn't want to write down in case Steve read his journal. Some of them contained Steve, but just thoughts of Steve. He wished he had memories like this of Steve. 

“I'm happy you're feeling better.” Steve smiled, knowing he'd only been given as many pills as necessary. “What’ve you been up to today.”

“Just some more research.” Bucky smirked, holding back a laugh. Steve would lose his mind if he knew how many people wore Captain America suits and filmed pornography. Bucky loved it. He wondered absently if it was legal or not. He wondered if Steve would ever put on the suit and film pornography with him. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't make himself mind much right now. 

“That's good, what are you learning about?” Steve hummed, oblivious. 

Bucky fell silent. 

“Bucky?” Steve frowned.

Bucky started laughing a little, “Nothing, don't... Don't worry about it.”

Steve felt hurt. Bucky was lying again, going behind his back with something. It hurt him deeply, especially since they were just getting close again. It made him worried too, of what Bucky was doing that he was so afraid to talk about it. Not even afraid, just refusing to talk about it. Steve knee if he ordered him, Bucky would tell, but he didn't want to abuse his power like that. Bucky meant too much to him, and was just starting to trust that he would be treated like a human being. 

“Okay, Bucky.” Steve sighed, “You're... Obviously a little out of it. I'll call tomorrow.”

“But I'll miss your voice until then,” Bucky teased.

Steve bit back a smile. Bucky was poking fun at him. He knew part of it was the drugs, but still. He wished he could be there now, see Bucky relaxed and happy like this. It would make him feel like he had the old Bucky back. He couldn't be mad at him now, no matter what he was keeping secret. Steve laughed, “You'll just have to hold out, I guess.”

“Stay safe, asshole.” Bucky snorted.

Steve cheeks hurt he was grinning so wide. That was his Bucky. “Watch your mouth, Buck. See you soon.”

“Yeah, Steve, alright. Bye.”

**Friday**

“Sir, I'm so sorry.” Bucky whimpered softly into the phone, then flinched, “Steve! Steve, not sir. I'm so so sorry, I knew better, I'm sorry.”

They were right back to square one, except this was worse. Bucky was afraid. He knew the Soldier didn't show fear, so this was just Bucky being afraid. And he had just started making good progress. Steve wanted to cry in frustration,“It's okay. It's really okay, I'm not mad at all.”

“No, Steve. You don't know everything I've done wrong, Steve, I'm sorry, I understand if you... If you consider me defective after this.”

“Weapons defect. You're not a weapon. You're a person. Now, did you hurt yourself or anyone else?”

“No, Steve.” Bucky was trembling, ashamed at his insubordination yesterday. There's no way he wouldn't get punished for this. He wished he would get punished for this. It would make the lines clearer so that he could stop being defective.

“Then it doesn't matter, okay? You're a person. You get to have secrets and you get to make mistakes. And you know what? I liked how you acted yesterday. The old Bucky would get smart me sometimes.”

Bucky bit his lip, trying to understand what Steve meant, “If you would like to keep me supplied, I will take that medicine to make myself more like-”

He stopped at the distressed noise on the other side. He curled up into a smaller ball on the bare mattress. He had to wash the sheets of the guest room after yesterday, and he hadn't been able to make them go back on right. Another area he failed in. He wished Steve would treat him like the Soldier sometimes. It was far easier to not be a person. He knew the rules of being the Soldier.

Steve shook his head, “Bucky I just want you to be happy. I'm not mad at you, I don't want to know about yesterday. I just want you safe and alive and happy.”

Bucky shook his head. He would be most happy if he could kiss Steve on the mouth and make love with him. But the internet said friends didn't do that. And Steve just wanted his friend, the old Bucky. Steve never knew the old Bucky wanted him too, back when it wasn't allowed. He had to be what Steve knew him to be. He braced himself, glad he couldn't see Steve. He knew this next question would make him sad. “Can you tell me what I was like? Back then? Before I became the Soldier?”

Steve turned and punched the wall. Bucky wanted to know what he used to act like so he could replicate it. This was still a mission to him. He wanted to put on a mask and pretend to be himself. It made Steve sick. “No. You've got to figure that out on your own.”

“Yes, Steve.” Bucky felt miserable. He didn't know how. Steve probed so many of his memories, but now he refused to tell him who he was. 

“I'm flying home first thing tomorrow.” Steve sighed softly, “I'll arrive at the house at 1800.”

“Yes, Steve.” Bucky started thinking. What would the old Bucky do when Steve got home? He would claw through his memories later for any small sign. “Stay safe.”

“You too, Bucky,” Steve sighed, “Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

**Saturday**

He was an hour late, and it was Tony's fault. Really, they just got hung up talking, but Steve still blamed him. He stopped to ask about being able to repair Bucky's arm, explaining the situation. Tony's face lit up in amusement at the mention of Bucky, and stayed that way the whole time. After making an appointment for the repairs, Tony pulled something out of one of his bags.

“Here, this is all yours,” He smiled, handing over the laptop, “Let your, uh, friend keep the other one. I'm pretty sure your soul would crumble if you saw his search history.”

Steve tried to probe further, but was met with only, “I can keep secrets too, Rogers.”

By the time he realized how long he'd been held up, he figured it was best not to call. He'd be home soon anyways, it wasn't a very long drive. He didn't know the mental state Bucky would be in, but he was fairly prepared for it. He pushed down memories of coming home from work when Bucky was home, the way he'd smile, how casual and effortless it way. It wasn't fair to Bucky to compare him to before. Steve was prepared for stiff reports of meals and sleep times. Maybe, worst case, more acting like he should be treated like the Soldier. He wasn't prepared to be tackled into a hug the moment he opened the door. He felt Bucky shuddering against him, and guilt swept over.

“I thought you weren't coming back,” Bucky squeezed him tight.

“Why wouldn't I come back to my best friend?” Steve smiled, hugging him back.

“Because they killed you.” Bucky didn't let go, “Or because you...”

Steve didn't want him to finish that. He didn't want to hear the word punishment, think about his friend being left alone for days on end just to break him. “I got sidetracked talking to Tony. I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologize, you're my commander.” Bucky pulled back slightly and Steve could see the tears in his tired eyes, “I... I made soup. The kind you like.”

Steve smiled, able to smell it in the air. Potato and leek soup. He hadn't had that since the last time Bucky made it. He almost laughed to think that was almost a century ago. He hated that he wondered if this was Bucky, or the Soldier pretending to be Bucky. That thought was buried deep under. “Awh, Buck, you didn't have to.”

“I wanted to. I missed you. I'm sorry for crying.” Bucky wiped his tears as he spoke, “I liked making it. The scent made me remember everything a little more. I'd make this for you when you were sick. And then I'd feed it to you if you were really bad, but you'd get embarrassed, even though you couldn't manage to eat it yourself.”

“That's right.” Steve smiled, “Absolutely right.”

Bucky beams wide, pouring them both bowls and setting them down. “I'm going to eat with you. I can manage soups and light meals.”

“That's really good.” Steve took the first taste of the soup. It didn't taste exactly the same, he figured it wouldn't. But it was good, Bucky made it, and it reminded him of home. “This is perfect.” 

“Thank you, Steve,” Bucky smiled proudly, starting to eat now that Steve had. “Tell me about the mission?”

Steve talked and Bucky listened. He went on about the firefight, the people, the local food, the weaponry. Bucky took it all in, listening with a smile, asking small questions at times, going frighteningly silent at others. Steve steered his stories to stay with that Bucky was interested in: food, culture, people. And avoid what he wasn't: weapons and fighting. Steve tried hard to ignore what looked like jealousy on Bucky's face as he mentioned being shown how to use a newer make of pistol. Eventually he yawns, standing, “That's enough for tonight, I'll tell you more tomorrow if you want. Ready for bed?”

Bucky lept up, washing the dishes, “Yes, Steve, I'll join you in a second.”

Steve changed into sleep clothes and flopped down, tired from the flight. Bucky emerged a little later, “Is it still allowed for-?”

Steve patted the bed, “Of course. You look half dead, Buck, when's the last time you actually slept.”

“Sunday night.” Bucky curled himself around Steve, “I tried Monday, but it was a negative experience.”

“I'm sorry, I'm sure we can get you something to help with nightmares if they keep happening. Please tell me if they happen.” Steve didn't know specifically, but he knew there were plenty of things in the modern world that amazed him. He was sure something could help with nightmares.

“I will. I did not get any for the first two nights of my stay. I think I won't, as long as you stay near me. Is that weird?”

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, holding him close. He knew Bucky only did this to shield him. But he could do this to shield Bucky from the nightmares. He felt his friend smile against his shoulder, “Steve? When you rescued me, after they gave you the serum, we laid down in the tents and I spent all night telling you my war stories. True?”

Steve smiled fondly at the memory. That'd been the first time seeing each other in months. “True.”

Bucky smiled, falling asleep quickly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions rape and body image.

Steve had turned his alarm off the night before. He figured Bucky needed a good sleep, and he could miss a day of running. Their appointment with Tony wasn’t until the evening. Bucky needed sleep. He just didn’t know he needed this much sleep. He should have ordered him to sleep while he was gone, but he hated ordering Bucky around. Steve didn’t want to move all that much and disturb him, so he just relaxed with the metal arm slung around his middle. 

Around one in the afternoon, he finally got him up. Bucky made a soft whining noise as he shook him awake. Steve smiled. That was his Bucky there. “C’mon, Buck, let’s get up.”

“Don’ hafta be at the docks til sev’n...” He curled close to Steve, muttering, half asleep.

Steve held him tight, eyes wide. Bucky worked shifts at the Naval docks, loading and unloading cargo, whenever he got picked for work. That was back then. He didn’t want Bucky to ever wake up now, especially with good memories of before stirring. But it was too late. 

Bucky sat up, looking a little embarrassed, “I don't know why I said that.”

“I do. It's okay.” Steve hugged him before getting up, “Sorry for waking you, we have an appointment for your arm.”

Bucky nodded a little, “I worked at the docks to get extra money. True?”

“True.” Steve smiled, stretching himself out, “You'd come home smelling like sweat and dead fish, saying all sorts of words your ma would kill you for saying.”

“Like calling Captain America an asshole?” Bucky gave a sly little smile.

“Exactly like that.” Steve rolled his eyes, secretly loving this. His Bucky was coming back to the surface.

Bucky looked at Steve, replicating his stretching, smiling a little. He made a noise as his back cracked, frowning a little. Steve gave a small laugh. Bucky looked up, concerned, “Is it supposed to do that?”

“Yeah, just your body loosening up is all.” Steve smiled, “Don’t worry, Buck, you’re still perfectly functioning.”

“Incorrect.” He looked down, his entire composure changing. “My mental state alone- Nevermind. I’m going to shower.” Bucky stood, looking uneasy and unhappy. 

Steve wanted a way to let Bucky know how perfect he was, perfect because he was alive and safe. He grabbed him and hugged him tight. He figured the contact was okay since Bucky had initiated hugs before. Steve turned, a little nervous and embarrassed, kissing Bucky’s cheek gently. He meant it as a friendly gesture, nothing more. Bucky knew that. Bucky obviously didn’t want anything more intimate than friends. He hardly knew how to be friends.

His embarrassment about the kiss was well worth it for the look on Bucky’s face when they both pulled back. It was pure joy. Bucky stepped back, ducking his head a little in embarrassment, grinning wide. He brought his hand up, touching the spot on his cheek before darting off to shower.

Steve smiled after him, trying not to think of how starved for touch his friend probably was. Maybe they didn’t kiss each other’s cheeks and sleep curled together before. That didn’t make it wrong to do now, just different, it was still a good friendship. Things could be different and be okay. Besides, he’d do anything to make Bucky smile like that. 

He smiled just thinking of it, going to make them a late breakfast, scrambling up some eggs. They were going to be okay. Bucky was getting so much better, and remembering more. He was going to get help for his PTSD, and he was okay with being touched and being near people.

Bucky popped out of the bathroom, face redder than before, nervous little smile of his face. Steve smiled back at him. He went, dressing in new, clean clothes. It made Steve smile, thinking about the old rags he was in when he showed up.

Bucky came over to Steve, wrapping his arms around his waist from the back, smiling wide. Steve shifted, “Buck, I’ve gotta cook.”

“I’m not stopping you.” Bucky hummed, “I’m just, uh, protecting you.”

“Protecting me?” Steve rolled his eyes, flipping the eggs, “By holding me while I’m trying to make you food?”

“You put your shield on your back. I can be here too, can’t I?”

Steve nodded a little, not wanting to argue with him, thinking about what that meant. Did Bucky want to become a shield instead of a weapon? That wasn't any better. It still wasn't a person. He wondered if the way Bucky curled around him at night was just that. He only saw himself as a shield. He knew it was just that, Bucky obviously wasn't in the right state of mind to view it as anything else. But they couldn't stop now, not since it was the only way Bucky would sleep. 

Steve sighed, scraping the eggs off onto a plate, “I'll eat yours if you're not able, but I want you to have the option.”

Bucky nodded, taking his plate, sitting down, eating only after Steve had started. Steve smiled, cleaning the plates after they finished. Bucky watched him patiently. Steve grabbed his keys, “Hey, how about I cut your hair when we get back?”

“Sounds good, Steve.” Bucky smiled softly, walking down with him. Steve hummed happily. He'd cut Bucky's hair sometimes, before and during him being shipped off. Maybe this would jolt more memories.

* * *

Bucky enjoyed the long ride up to the Stark Tower. It gave him time to talk and time to think. He thought a lot about Steve kissing him. It made his heart flutter every time he thought of it. He was sure they never did that before, he would have remembered this light feeling. He was never this slow and nervous with women, but it was allowed for him to be forward and sweet on women. He still liked women, but he liked Steve too.

When they finally arrived, Steve looked a little tired. Bucky felt guilty for making him drive all the way out here just for a repair. He knew Steve didn't like his metal arm much anyways. He wish he could grow a human one back, but then he would be a bad shield. And he was learning that Steve hated weapons, but liked shields. He should have known from the beginning.

Steve smiled at him on the ride up, “Remember Howard Stark?”

“Yes.” 

Steve didn't press further, Bucky was grateful. He remembered killing him, beating the life out of him. He knew Steve didn't want to hear him talk about that. He wanted wartime memories. Bucky couldn't find any of those yet for Howard Stark.

Tony Stark was up waiting for them, giving a smile as they entered. Bucky hated this room. There were windows for walls. Everything was so vulnerable and open. Even if not building was as tall as this one, it was still unsettling. He moved in front of Steve, uneasy. Tony and Steve both gave him a look. He felt embarrassed, “There's too many windows, sir. He could be shot. Or attacked.”

Tony rolled his eyes, “He's fine, thanks for your faith in my security systems. Steve, mind waiting out in another room while I get his arm fixed?”

“Yes.” Steve said firmly, making Bucky give a little grin.

Tony sighed, “Steve, I'm not going to hurt him. Honestly, why would I?”

Bucky could think of many reasons, but didn't offer any of them up. 

Steve sighed, stepping back into the elevator, “Bucky, tell me if you need anything or if anything bad happens. I'll be in the office one floor away.”

Bucky looks up at Tony after Steve leaves. He was likely just the weapon to Tony. He didn’t mind, except he wanted to be the shield instead, “Sir. My little and ring finger no longer operate properly. The bullet is still lodged in the upper arm. I would also like to request an.. Outer aesthetic change with the arm.”

“Elaborate, but like a bit more like a human this time.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“There is a red star on the side, currently. I know Steve doesn’t like that, it makes him think of the people who hurt me. It makes him hate the arm. The star is engraved in, so I would like it repainted. Please, sir.”

“Don’t call me sir. Sure, I guess, the repair is going to take a few days anyways by the looks of it. What do you want, glow in the dark?”

“I would like it to be white, please. With blue on the outside, and red and white circles around it. Is that alright?”

“Like Cap’s shield?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay, listen,” Tony sighed, sitting down across from him, “I think it’s great that you’re behaving more like a person, and it’s great that you’re on our side now. And I know Steve missed you, and for all I know, maybe you two did bump uglies back in the war. But I’m more sure that he’s the world’s oldest virgin and your obsession is probably getting unhealthy. So I’ll paint your arm, but you’ve gotta understand that what you’re doing is wrong.”

“Steve loves me being his shield,” Bucky smirked smugly, “He loves me protecting his body.”

“Does he love you whacking it to guys in Captain America costumes?” Bucky looks away. Tony nods, “Yeah, I figured. He doesn’t know. And I’m not going to tell him. And I’m not going to tell you to stop pining for him. But you’ve gotta understand that you’re not his weapon or his shield, and even if he swings your way, he’s never going to view you sexually at this rate.”

“He doesn’t need to. He never will. I know my Steve and he never liked guys. But I like him and I like being his shield. And he's starting to like me as that.”

“Do you hear yourself? You-”

“Steve is my commander. I’m going to do what makes him happy. That means being his friend Bucky as well as his shield.” Bucky snapped, defensive. Steve was going to love him just like he loved Steve. He was already kissing Bucky and letting Bucky be his shield. And now that he was remembering and functioning better as a person as well, things were getting better. He could be both.

Tony rolled his eyes, removing the arm and finding the bullet, getting out large tweezers, “Alright, I’m done trying give you love life advice. You and Steve can stay the night, I know he’s exhausted and you’re not driving with one hand. Bedrooms are on the eighth floor, I have plenty available.”

Bucky nodded, “Thank you, that's very kind. Steve and I share a bed-” “Fuck. Of course you do.” “-So we’ll only need one.”

“This is so unhealthy, I hope you realize that on some level.” Tony shook his head, “Not... Not the gay thing. Being his shield and touching yourself thinking about him. It's pretty awful to do to him.”

“Should I try to have sex with him instead?” Bucky sighed, tired of the disapproval, “He'd think I only wanted it because I'm so broken and abused. I'm taking it slow with him, and serving him. It's what I can do.”

“Yeah, okay, this is helpless.” Tony sighed, “Just go, I'll get the arm back soon, sleep well.”

Bucky nodded, going down to find Steve. It was a sick strange feeling when he tried to press the elevator button with an arm that wasn't there. He shuddered, using the other, going straight to Steve. “Stark has offered to let us stay here for the night. Bedrooms are on the eighth floor.”

Steve got up, going with Bucky. He leaned against his friend, smiling. Bucky reached down, holding Steve's hand, getting bolder, “So is it true that you're the world's oldest virgin?”

Steve made a choking noise, “Bucky! Who told you that?!”

“Tony. Is it true? I sort of thought you and Peggy...”

“She was a working gal. We weren't going to take even the smallest risk of her getting pregnant at the time. And there was never anyone I got close enough to after. Nat set me up on some dates but... They just wanted to be with Captain America. So I mean, yeah, I technically am a virgin.”

“I'm not.” Bucky smiled, a little proud of it. He was more experienced. He could show Steve around.

“You remember that?” Steve led him into the room.

“Yeah.” Bucky blushed and grinned. “Her name was May, remember her? I don't know if she was my first, but I know we had sex. And that it was good. I took her out and-” he bit his lip, “Sorry, you don't wanna hear about all this. I'll write it down.” 

“It's okay to talk about those things, Lord knows you did back then.” Steve laughed, “I'm really glad you're remembering what a total hound you were.”

Bucky smiled, keeping that in mind. The old Bucky would tell Steve about his sexual exploits and he would have many of them. He wasn't sure if he was ready to have them again, but he would tell Steve when he remember them. 

Bucky was distressed the moment they stepped into the room. It was covered in windows too. It was absolutely awful. “This is going to be difficult.” He shook his head, “Lay down on your back, I’ll get on top, and cover you that way.”

“Bucky, this place is so well protected. Please don’t worry about keeping me safe. I’m not even as weak as I was before. I’ll be okay.”

“Yes, you will, if I protect you.” Bucky pushed Steve down on the bed.

Steve frowned, “I survived for a week on my own, and for a while before we found you. I’m not saying we can’t sleep in the same bed, you’re just scared and getting aggressive. I’m going to be okay, Bucky, I am. We can just lay like normal and I’ll still be alive and healthy in the morning, I promise.”

Bucky shook his head, “We can’t, because I don’t have my arm. I’m a defective human, let me at least try to be an effective shield.”

Steve looked petrified. Bucky took his hand, “I didn’t mean it like that, Steve, please-”

“Stop. Bucky, just... stop. You’re not a shield, and you’re not a defective person. Just lay down with me and sleep. I'm ordering you to relax and stop worrying about me for tonight.”

“Yes Steve.” Bucky grumbled, shucking off his pants and curling up on the bed. He didn't bring any sleep clothes, so this would have to do. He didn't want to think about how difficult Steve was making his mission by being so adverse to Bucky using himself as a shield. It was exhausting. 

Steve stood awkwardly before taking off his pants and shirt, sliding between the sheets. Bucky looked his body over curiously, “You don't scar, do you?”

“No.” Steve shrugged, “Haven't since the serum. Heals quicker, doesn't have time to scar.”

Bucky nodded, placing a hand on the scar tissue surrounding where a human arm should be. It was ugly and strange and he hated that Steve had to see it and think about his arm. “Stevie?” He probed softly.

“Yeah Buck?”

Bucky cupped his face with one hand. Steve wanted human Bucky and he would get it. And humans had needs and desires that Bucky just wasn’t going to hide anymore. He pressed his lips to Steve’s, kissing him lightly, gently, for just a split moment before pulling away, “Goodnight.”

Steve stared, looking completely blown away. Bucky he shut his eyes, curling against the Captain’s chest. If there were consequences, he would deal with them tomorrow.

* * *

Steve woke up, looking down at his friend curled around him. This wasn't the same Bucky from a few weeks ago. He was vulnerable, more human, more trusting. And he kissed Steve. Not little cheek kisses that could be seen as inconspicuous and friendly, a real kiss. Did he mean to? The way he almost hid after suggested he did. It was a conscious decision. 

He cards through Bucky's hair in a gentle, mothering way. His head was resting against Steve's chest. They could be mistaken for lovers. Steve stops when that thought enters his head. Bucky wasn't mentally well enough to even be seen like that. He definitely didn't mean the kiss like that, he wouldn't know how to feel attraction.

Did Steve? He didn't want to ask himself. Bucky was his friend and he was sick. He shouldn't even begin to think about preying on him like this. He didn't even like guys. He knew it was more... Allowed now, but he never did then, so he didn't now. 

Bucky gave a soft yawn, eyes fluttering open, smiling, “Missing another morning jog? We're both going to get fat, Cap.”

Steve laughed, “I don't even think you have any body fat on you.”

“Four percent. Lower would threaten my health too greatly.” He placed a hand on his stomach, “Actually, it's likely increased. You feed me often.”

Steve smiled, “Good. I was thinking we could stay in New York while your arm was getting fixed. See the sights, visit old haunts?”

“Jar some memories loose?” Bucky smiled.

“I didn't mean-”

“No, I want that. I want to remember everything,” Bucky curled his fingers around Steve's shoulder, and for a moment, he thought he was going to try to kiss him again. 

Tony walked in, then turned away, “Jesus Christ! Am I interrupting something?”

Steve jerked away, embarrassed. Bucky made an upset noise, but pulled back. Steve stood, “No. I didn't... We don't... It helps his nightmares.”

Tony glared at Bucky, “Nightmares. Right.”

Bucky stood, wrapping his arm around Steve's waist and kissing his cheek, “Yes, my nightmares. Don't you have more important things to be dealing with right now? I'd like to have my arm back sooner than later.”

Tony rolled his eyes, “Just wanted to say breakfast is made and there's enough for both of you. Steve, tell your guard dog to mind his manners.”

“He's not a guard dog.” Steve sighed, “But you need to be nice, Bucky, he's the one fixing your arm up.”

Bucky nodded, “I will, Steve, I'm sorry Tony.”

“Good boy.” Tony teased, “Tenth floor. No shoes, no shirt, no service.”estured at Steve before leaving.

“Yeah, we’ll be up in a bit.” Steve mumbled, then turned to Bucky after he was gone, “Listen... You can’t kiss me in front of other people, okay? They’ll get the wrong idea about us.”

Bucky nodded, moving close and kissing Steve again on the lips, firm but quick, “Just while we’re alone then.” 

Steve thought he saw a glint of mischief in Bucky’s eye, like he knew what he was doing. But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. Especially in modern times. He knew his friend back then, and he wasn’t like that. Steve pulled his shirt on with a little sigh, “Why... why are you.. Y’know... kissing me?”

“To say good morning.” Bucky looked away, smiling. 

“And yesterday?”

“To say goodnight.” Is all Bucky said, getting fully dressed and going to the elevator with him, then stepping close. Steve flinched away a little, not sure if he was going to kiss him again, and then, not knowing why it made him afraid. 

“Bucky... Did people... When you were the Soldier...?”

“No, Steve, I wasn’t raped. That’d require them to see me as a living creature on some level.” Bucky sighed, sounding hurt, “I just want to say goodnight and good morning. I’ll stop.”

“No!” Steve grabbed for his shoulder, fingers awkwardly curling around the metal surrounding the void, “I mean, you don’t have to. It’s fine, really. We just can’t do it around other people, alright? I don’t want my friends getting the wrong idea, or the media even beginning to think anything’s up.”

Bucky nodded, following quietly behind Steve as they exited the elevator. 

Breakfast went uneventfully, which is to say that there wasn’t much conversation. Bucky didn’t say a word as they ate, didn’t look at anyone. Tony balanced between attempts at small talk, glaring at Bucky, and giving Steve a strange, apologetic look. Like he was a victim somehow, when Bucky hardly knew what he was doing. Their kisses were only innocent, Bucky had proven that to him with everything he said. He wasn’t going to ruin this by taking it to be sexual. 

He and Tony did manage to talk about places to visit while they were here. There were several things that were new, or had changed in New York in the years and years since he had been here. He had it planned to visit their old apartment, but was saving that for last, excited just to think of Bucky being back there with him.

* * *

Bucky pulled the hat down around his head, stray hairs curling up. He would be grateful for the haircut Steve promised him. They’d gotten the black **I ♥ NY** hats as jokes, but Bucky secretly loved it. He was going to keep it. He did love and miss New York so dearly. Sometimes during missions in America, he would get sidetracked, a deep instinctual pull taking him home. And he was home, with Steve. 

They’d got to the Statue of Liberty, Times Square, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Bucky liked Lady Liberty the best. He remembered his grandmother telling him stories of first coming over here years ago. They bounced around in his head as they toured the place. It was strange, being a tourist in the place he grew up. But it was nice, more holes in his history that were being filled.

He hated Times Square. Steve told him about waking up, but he was hardly able to listen. There were so many people. His senses were heightened to the point of giving him a headache. He kept close to Steve, watching for any threat. Some people stared when they noticed his missing arm. Many were too busy. He didn’t feel self conscious about it, this was better than a glinting metal arm, and less risk of being recognized as the Soldier.

The Museum was more for Steve’s benefit, but he loved watching the way he studied it. Steve talked about it to Bucky in a hushed voice the whole time, about modern art and old art. Bucky nodded softly, making considerate noises, not understanding everything, but listening carefully. 

“Here.” Steve turned them, not minding the large amount of walking they’d done today, “I’ve got one last place to show you, alright?”

Bucky nodded, the directions clicking muscle memory in his head. He knew where they were going, he just couldn’t make it all work in his brain, even when they got there. They were standing in front of a vegan bakery. Steve kept looking at him expectantly. Bucky tugged on his hat more, “I know this place.” He muttered softly, not able to make it work. 

Steve nodded, “I’ll see if they’ll let us go upstairs.”

Bucky nodded, “Let me scope the place out for you first?” He didn’t know what was happening, but safety still had to be in the forefront. 

“Sure. I’ll be right here, come get me when you think it’s safe?” Steve offered with a little smile. He knew Steve was just humoring Bucky, but he would take what he could get from someone who very obviously resented having a bodyguard.

It was fairly empty, only one or two people in there besides the staff. A woman at the counter waved at him, “Evening! You here for the coffee or for the ad?”

Bucky frowned, a little confused, blinking, “I don’t know why I’m here.” He said softly and honestly. There was one door, which presumably led upstairs. Upstairs likely had windows, so it was an option. There was another door leading to the back, likely an alley. The front door would be the optimal means of escape, but the open access to the road would make it risky. 

She smiled, “We have a wide selection of gluten free, dairy free, vegan, and fair trade pastries. They’re made fresh. And we’re trying to lease out the apartment upstairs.”

Gears started clicking. Apartment upstairs. He knew this place, he knew this place. The woman from the counter seemed to think he was interested, “It’s really cheap. And if you’re a history guy, Captain America used to live there. I can show you the records, most people don’t believe me.” She shot a sour look to one of the customers, who smirked.

Bucky made a little noise and darted out, grabbing Steve, “It’s our apartment.” He whispered softly, “We’re home.” 

Steve grinned, “Yeah, I know it’s probably-”

“They’re renting it out. We can ask to see the upstairs.” Bucky’s heart was racing with excitement. They were home, this was home. He and Steve were finally home, after so many years. He wanted to never have to leave.

Steve took Bucky by the hand and led him back inside. Bucky was loving this just as much as he thought he would. And the place was being rented out. He knew it wasn’t safe and secure, but maybe he would convince Bucky to move here with him. He liked New York, this trip was making him remember that. And this would be fantastic for Bucky, the way it had already stirred up so much, far more than either of them could have hoped for. 

The woman at the counter, Tasia by her nametag, looked a little upset, but smiled to see Bucky walking back in, holding hands with Steve. He pulled his away, not wanting to be mistaken for anything they weren’t. “My friend and I want to see the apartment upstairs?”

Tasia smiled, “Right upstairs, I’ll show you.” She leads them up the stairwell, “It’s been remodeled, a pretty nice place. I’d live there myself but there’s still old wood and it drives my allergies crazy. Do you have allergies?”

“Neither of us do anymore.” Bucky said plainly. Steve looked a little awkwardly at him. He was worried about Bucky having close human interaction. The missing arm had garnered only apologetic looks and a few stares. They likely figured he was wounded in action, which was technically correct. But besides that, Bucky wasn’t the best at maintaining pleasant conversation, so Steve decided to lead. “What if we wanted to buy the place? Nothing certain, but...”

She looks uncertain, “I own the bakery downstairs, and that entails this place as well. Honestly, I was just looking to rent, it would have to be a high price to get me to sell even the upstairs unit.”

Steve nodded, only partially paying attention as she opened the door to their old home. 

It was different. He didn’t suspect it would be all the same. There was a soft floral wallpaper, and a few walls up, making a larger bathroom that could actually hold a real tub. Bucky could take all the hot showers he wanted. A white stove and fridge replaced the old ones, and a bare metal bed frame sat where two beds used to be. That wouldn’t be an issue, as they were sharing bed now. 

Tasia smiled softly, “Sorry if it doesn’t come with more. The last tenant brought most of what’s here anyways.”

Bucky was deathly silent. His gaze went out for miles. Steve didn’t know if he wanted to bring him back or not. He didn’t know where Bucky was, in his mind. He hoped it was a good place.

A customer from downstairs popped up in the stairwell, tugging at the waitress’ arm, showing her his phone. Her eyes go wide and she looks at Steve, “Oh my god! I didn’t even recognize... I thought you looked... But I didn’t...”

Steve sighs. “Please don’t tweet this. I just wanted to have a calm day with my friend.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t. And if you want to rent this place, I won’t tell anyone or anything.” She smiles, “You used to live here. I was telling your friend that. I’m sure you knew, but,” She laughed nervously, “Never met a hero before. Who’s your friend? Are you helping him find a place?”

Steve shrugged, “He’s just an old war buddy. Came here as a trip down memory lane. But I missed the place. What about you, Buck?” He smiled.

Bucky didn’t respond. Tasia dropped to a whisper, “PTSD?”

Steve gave a small nod, “But I think this is just remembering happy times.” He hoped, dearly, “Do you have a card? I don’t know if we’re gonna rent the place, but I’m thinking about it.” 

She smiled and nodded, handing one over to him. Steve pocketed it, “Can we have a moment alone? I’m not going to steal or break anything, I promise.”

“Yeah, because I’m worried Captain America is going to steal from me. Take your time.” She laughed, heading downstairs.

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky the second she was gone, “Talk to me. Do you remember? Are you feeling okay? We can leave if this is all too much for you right now. But if you want, we can look into moving here. We can get SHIELD to install bulletproof glass and reinforced walls.”

Bucky didn’t respond.

“We could get rid of the wallpaper if you don’t like it. And maybe get two beds, just so people don’t think something’s up. I mean, we’d still sleep in the same bed, just that people don’t have to know that.”

Bucky’s jaw was slack and his eyes were nearly glazed.

“Bucky.” Steve shook him lightly.

“I can’t stay here.” Bucky jerked back, turning and leaving, Steve barely able to follow, waving apologetically at the people in the cafe. Bucky rushed out, standing in the street for a moment before Steve grabbed him, “Bucky! Talk to me, what’s wrong?”

Bucky shook his head, going quiet all over again. Steve sighed, hailing a cab and taking him back to the Stark Tower. Bucky let Steve manipulate his body and lead him in and out of the cab. He was gentle with him, nervous that Bucky would snap and hurt him, or worse, hurt himself. Steve managed to get him upstairs to the bedroom and make him lay down in bed. Bucky still hadn’t said a word or gave a brief flicker of emotion. Steve was starting to get truly scared. 

“We can curl up together? Any way you like?” Steve laid down and took Bucky’s hand. Bucky flinched and jerked away. Steve heard the hurt gasp escape his own lips, not even realizing he’d made a noise. Bucky looked down, “Is that an order?”

“No! No, you don’t have to, it’s not an order.”

“Then I will stand guard.” He stood in front of Steve, silent. Steve frowned. He would allow this tonight, but once they got home, they were going to talk about this. He would give Bucky time to digest what happened, but he wasn’t going to let his friend suffer. 

“Okay. Don’t... don’t leave. That’s an order.”

Bucky nodded, standing at the foot of the bed. His hair was still in that **I ♥ NY** hat, loose ends flying up everywhere. His stature was that of the soldier, stiff and conserved. He looked at Steve blankly, “Sleep well, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know that is likely a lot of walking and New York City is very large. I ask for a slight suspension of belief on that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains sexual content and more google translate Russian.

Steve could tell that Bucky hadn’t slept. He was still standing, watching the windows and the door. Steve sat up, “Morning, Bucky. Feeling better?”

“The asset does not feel.”

“You’re Bucky, not the asset.” Steve sighed, “Want to go upstairs and check on the arm? It might be done today, if he doesn’t have other projects. Get some breakfast maybe. And don’t tell me you don’t eat. I want you to eat.”

“Yes sir.”

“I told you the first day, Bucky. I’m your friend. I’m Steve.”

“Punish me, sir. Enforce your rules.”

Was this the game he was playing at? Steve could never punish him. He could never hurt Bucky. Especially to punish him. Steve wasn’t his old commanders, he wasn’t a handler. He was Bucky’s friend and nothing more. Steve got up, getting dressed, “No.” 

He took Bucky’s hand, leading him gently to the elevator, taking him upstairs. Bucky just let him lead. Steve rubbed his hand with his own thumb, trying to give him something to hold onto, some reason to come back and be who he was. Bucky was stiff.

Tony smiled at them with a knowing look as they came in. Steve shook his head, not wanting to even start talking about this right now. Tony shrugged setting the metal arm on the counter, “Finished the arm, paint and all. You’re welcome.” 

“Paint?” Steve smiled, going to look at it. It was his shield. He didn’t love the idea of Bucky wanting to be shield, but it was far better than him being the Soldier. And it was nice, to give the arm meaning besides how Steve got Bucky hurt. He grinned wide at his friend, “This is fantastic. I love it, I didn’t know you were going to do this.”

“It was a mistake.” Bucky sighed, attaching the arm, testing the fingers, “We are set to leave now.”

Tony frowned, “You’re welcome.”

Steve sighed, pulling Tony to the side, “He’s going through something right now. I’m honestly surprised he’s talking. I’m sure he’ll thank you when he’s better.”

“He’s not going to get better just from sleeping with you. Sam can get him a good counsellor, maybe go to support groups later down the line. Natasha’s been through a lot of the same stuff. Talk to either of them. Talk to Fury, talk to anyone. Get him help.”

Steve nodded softly. He knew that would be best for Bucky, but he hated that he wasn’t enough. “I’ll get him help.”

Tony gave a weak smile, “You can make this work, you just need help.”

Steve smiled, “I’ll make this work.”

He took Bucky back to their apartment. The drive was long, Bucky wasn’t very interested in talking. He only referred to himself as the Soldier or the asset, and gave short, sharp replies that had obviously been long programmed into him. 

Steve set him down on the couch, “Bucky, please. Please talk to me, just tell me what's wrong? I'll do everything I can to help, or we can get more people to help, we-”

Bucky throws something onto the coffee table. Steve looks down. It's the small black journal Steve gave to him. He picked it up, “Do you want me to look through it? Is it okay?”

“Yes, sir.” Bucky closed his eyes, trembling the way he did the first week when he expected punishment. “The third page and onward.”

Steve nodded, flicking to the third page and reading: 

_Steve & I shared a flat in Brooklyn_   
_We would heat up water on the stove for baths_   
_Steve was sick a lot before the serum_   
_I was a person, not a weapon_   
_I knew how to make potato leek soup, Steve’s favorite_   
_Steve moved in after his ma died_   
_Steve and I would save up our money and go to Coney Island_   
_My first kiss was at Coney Island with a brunette named May_   
_I used to have girls I was sweet on_   
_Steve did not_   
_Steve didn’t ever mind his own business_   
_Steve nearly got me stabbed once_   
_Steve would wear newspapers in his shoes to keep them dry_   
_I met Steve by helping him in a fight_   
_Steve loved fighting_   
_Steve wanted to enlist but couldn't_   
_I didn't want Steve to enlist because I thought he would die_   
_I was captured during the war_   
_Steve saved me_   
_I was sweet a boy once_   
_My ma had brown hair and a face like mine_   
_John Kennedy_   
_Steve would wash my clothes for me_   
_Howard Stark_   
_Maria Stark_   
_Steve was good at drawing_   
_You weren't allowed to be sweet on boys_   
_Our neighbor was an old widowed woman_   
_I fell off a train and that's how they got me_   
_Mary Pinchot Meyer_   
_Yosef Alon_   
_My da died in the war_   
_I wasn’t close with my da_   
_Richard Turner_   
_Óscar Ramero_   
_Issam Sartawi_   
_Olof Palme_   
_Ioan Culianu_   
_Diana of Wales_   
_Henry Borynski_   
_Itsu_   
_Lionel Crabb_   
_Tanong Po-arn_   
_Susan Walsh_   
_Yves Godard_   
_Marie Godard_   
_Camille Godard_   
_Marius Godard_   
_Laurence Steinhardt_   
_Steven Rogers_

Steve looked up at Bucky, all sad eyes. Bucky couldn’t take that. He shook his head, “Don’t start to tell me that it wasn’t me, because it was-” “Bucky.” “It was. I remember every single one of them. I remember being given the mission, I remember watching them die. You’re the only one on that list who’s still alive. Everyone else is dead and I killed them. It wasn’t this thing that possessed me, it was just me.”

“It was what they programmed into you. You’re getting better, Bucky.” Steve took his hand. The contact sickened Bucky. He was being treated like a friend or a lover when he was a war criminal. A weapon. 

“Getting better?” He laughed bitterly, “I can’t get better, Steve. I don’t know what might trip me off, I nearly broke again when I killed those intruders. I nearly left, back to my owners. I can never redeem myself when I can’t even fight as a person.”

“You don’t have owners and you don’t have to fight. It wasn’t your fault, so you don’t need to be redeemed. Right now, all you need to do is remember.” Steve cupped his face, looking hesitant before kissing his mouth. 

Bucky grabbed Steve and shoved him against the wall, metal hand closing around his neck. “Don’t ever do that again! And don’t tell me to remember, I fucking remember! Every single face behind my eyelids at night, Steve, I remember, don’t tell me to remember. Fuck you.”

He wanted Steve to fight back. They were almost equally matched, but he didn’t have any will left. He wanted Steve to beat him, punish him, make him pay for what he had done. But Steve just looked at him with the same broken pitiful look he always gave Bucky. Bucky dropped him, turning and slumping against the wall. Talking was only more frustrating. Steve wanted the boy who lived with him in Brooklyn, wanted a copy of him. Bucky wasn’t that anymore, hadn’t been in years. He was a murderer and a traitor.

* * *

Steve smiled, opening the door, “Thanks for showing up on such short notice, Nat, I... What’s that?”

“Grain alcohol. Where is he?”

“Against the wall. He stopped talking again. Why did you bring that?” Steve frowned, concern escalating. He didn’t want anything to make Bucky worse right now.

“I know what I’m doing. You’re not the only one who has history with him. Get us two glasses?” She sat down by him with a grin.

Steve sighed, handing them to her. She filled the glasses and pushed one into Bucky’s hands, “пить.”

Bucky drank a sip obediently, coughing gently. Natasha smiled, “пить и отдыхать.”

Steve glared, “I thought you didn't drink.”

“I don't. It decreases awareness. But he needs a drink right now, I'm not letting him drink alone, and I'm not letting him drink with you. But you can stay here. For safety reasons.”

“Thanks.” Steve said dryly, ignoring the Russian she continued to speak to Bucky, and the responses back. He wished he could understand them, and figure out how to help. He busied himself cleaning instead, trying his hardest to ignore them.

After a while, Natasha made an indignant noise, “Steve!”

“Yeah?”

“You kissed him?!”

Bucky grabbed Natasha before Steve could react, “Не волнуйтесь. Целую его раньше. Мне нравится целовать Стив. Это помогает мне забыть.”

His face was red and he was smiling. It calmed Steve a little to see him have relaxed. Natasha blushed hard and giggled, loosened up a little herself. She looked at Steve in a knowing little way, responding to Bucky. They continued their conversation, going from animatedly talking, to more somber conversation. He knew Bucky was crying at one point. But he didn’t know why or how to comfort him. That wasn’t his job right now.

Steve tried to ignore them both again, eventually heading to bed, wishing them both goodnight. Natasha smiled warmly, saying something to him, not seeming to notice or care that he couldn't understand. Bucky looked up at him like Steve was hiding the answers from him somewhere. He wished he was, and that he could give them all to Bucky. But this was more than just remembering his past. It was coming to terms with it.

* * *

Steve woke up to the smell of coffee, and followed it into his kitchen. Natasha was curled in a chair, holding a mug, looking more upset than Steve had ever seen her. She blinked up at him, “If we were attacked now, I'd be defenseless.”

“You have me.” He laughed a little, “And I'm sure Bucky-”

“Is still asleep, but will definitely be worse off.” She gestures to across the room, where his metal arm lay. Steve sighed, picking it up and setting it down, looking around more. Natasha sipped her coffee, “I'm surprised you didn't hear him taking it off. He nearly broke his clavicle. Said he wasn't fit to wear something with your shield, or something fixed by a man who's father he murdered.”

Steve sighed, “So he didn't... He's still not better.”

“He is better. But he's not suddenly just the same. He never will be. He got what he needed last night. He mourned them. Everyone he ever hurt or killed, he's mourned them. Not the best coping mechanism, but he needed it.”

Steve nodded a little, “Where is he?”

“Guest room. We both slept there.” She shrugged.

“Oh.” Steve felt a sharp pang, “Are you two...?”

“No, we just didn't want to wake you. We were both hardly conscious, and besides, I'm not what he's interested in right now.” Natasha bit her lip. Steve nodded, fixing himself a cup of coffee. Natasha gave him a strange little look, “He’s bisexual. Always has been, I don’t know if you ever knew. He’s afraid you’ll hate him for that too. It’s, uh, when you like both-”

“I know. I don’t hate him.” Steve shrugged, “Besides, he’s still recovering. He’s not well enough to think he wants anyone sexually like that.”

Natasha sighed, “You don’t believe that.”

Steve frowned.

“Oh my god you do. Steve, he’s recovering but he’s not broken. He’d die inside if he knew I told you, but he’s been masturbating frequently. Don’t give me that look, it’s actually really healthy that he’s claiming his own body again.” Natasha says casually, “He’s still trying to remember what is and isn’t normal. You have to help him with that. That doesn’t mean let him take advantage of you, just make sure he knows he won’t get punished for normal things.”

Steve nods, feeling like there’s more to what she’s saying. He didn’t mind sharing the bed with Bucky or the kisses. And even though Bucky liked guys too and was more conscious of sex, that didn’t mean he had feelings for Steve. They were friends, nothing more serious or intimate than good friends.

“And how is he feeling about... the deaths?”

“The ones he caused? Probably still upset. Probably will always be. When you’re brainwashed, you still know what’s going on. You’re a passenger in your own body, watching everything happen and knowing it’s your hand pulling the trigger. He can’t ignore that, and neither can you. But he’s coming to terms with it.”

Steve sighed, “Sam’s going to help me find him a therapist. I think it’ll help him a lot to have someone who isn’t me to talk to.”

Natasha nodded, stopped from adding anything else by the noise of Bucky getting up. He rushed out of the guest room and into the bathroom, vomiting. Steve sighed, going over and holding his hair out of his face, rubbing his back gently. He’d done this before once or twice. Bucky’s hair was shorter then, made everything easier. Natasha comes in with a glass of water, which Bucky takes, drinking uneasily.

Steve laughed a little, helping him up, “Nat made coffee, c’mon.”

Bucky let himself be moved, grumbling, “я умираю.”

“English, please.” Steve sighed softly as Natasha laughed more. 

Bucky stopped when he saw his arm set on the table. Steve smiled and grabbed it, moving to put it back on, “Nat told me what you said. Listen, you deserve the shield. Not because it wasn’t really you who killed those people. Because you feel remorse for doing it. And I know that the moment you pass a psych evaluation, you’re going to be out there fighting with us.”

Bucky smiled softly, letting Steve put the arm on, hugging him tight after, just holding him for a long moment, before muttering, “I’m sorry for attacking you earlier.”

Steve shrugged, pulling back and getting him coffee, ”It’s okay. You didn’t hurt me. I’m a super soldier, not a fragile regular human. You keep forgetting that.”

Bucky laughed softly, taking the coffee and going to the couch, curling up. Steve smiled, “I’ve kind of got to check in at work today, Nat, need a ride?”

She groans, stretching, “Drop me off at my apartment, people saw me wear this yesterday. Last thing either of us needs is everyone thinking we’re sleeping together.” 

Bucky looks up a little, before popping back down to lay on the couch. Natasha smiles slyly at him, “Успокойся. Я не хочу его. Я знаю, что он твой.”

“I’m going to learn Russian just to spite you two.” Steve shook his head, grabbing his keys, “I’ve got my phone with me, Bucky, text me if you need anything. I’ll be back soon.”

“Stay safe.” He waved from the sofa.

* * *

**Three Weeks Later**

Steve smiled, hearing the front door open. He wanted to jump up immediately and ask questions, but he knew Bucky might need space. Bucky spent today out on his own, alone. It was the first time no one had gone with him. Mostly it was because Bucky liked company, but this was a show of independence. He drove himself to therapy, went shopping on his own, and stopped by work to grab files for him and Steve. 

Bucky tossed the files on the table and started unloading groceries. Steve went up to help him, “How’d it go?”

“Really good.” Bucky smiled, taking one bag and tossing it in the guest room. Steve raised an eyebrow but didn’t ask more. Bucky hummed, “Therapy was great. I, uh, I figured we could use some fresh fruits this week? I got strawberries, a pineapple, blackberries, persimmons, grapefruits, and pomegranates. I’ll eat them, don’t worry.”

Steve laughed a little, getting everything out and put up, “Let’s go easy on the perishables next time, but you did great. Where are the strawberries?”

Bucky frowned, “I thought I saved some...” He went digging through the bags, frowning before pulling out a container, three strawberries left in it, “Here, these are yours.”

Steve laughed, popping one in his mouth, “Thanks, Buck. So did you read over the mission briefing yet?”

Bucky smiled. This would be the first mission he was clear to go on. Steve was excited for him. He knew sitting around all the time was hard on Bucky, especially when he want to be making up for what he had done wrong. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and chest, “Not yet. Wanted to get home first, check on you.”

“You know you don’t have to.” Steve smiled softly. He knew Bucky wanted to. He was being extra handsy today. Steve knew he would get worried sometimes, that something bad was going to happen. He appreciated the concern, and let Bucky do as he please. “Want to read them now, or relax a little first?”

“Relax.” He hummed.

“Alright. Want to watch something? I recorded this documentary about the moon landing. Figured we could watch it together?” Steve chewed his lip, still angry about missing out on that. 

Bucky laughed a little, “Maybe later. I had a different idea.”

Bucky moved in front of him quickly, pushing him up against the counter. Steve’s about to defend himself, heart sinking, when Bucky pushes their lips together. For a moment, it’s the small, gentle press that they usually share. Neither of them talk about it. Steve just figures that Bucky needs closeness sometimes. But then Bucky deepens it, taking Steve’s bottom lip and sucking on it softly, pressing their bodies close. 

Steve pulled back. This wasn’t the innocent little pecks Bucky would do. This was something more. Bucky looked up at him, fear and vulnerability painted on his face, “We don’t have to. I just had to let you know...”

Steve nodded, just trying to realize what he was saying. He knew Bucky had human desires. He’d walked in on several displays of that until he told Bucky to start locking the guest room door. And he knew Bucky liked men too. But he never thought that his oldest and dearest friend felt this way about him. Bucky started pulling away, “Steve, I’m so sorry, it was just time you knew.”

“Bucky, I... I don’t know what to think...”

“You could try it?” He suggests, not making eye contact, “We could just try it once, just to see if there’s something there?”

Steve nodded a little. It seemed reasonable. He wasn’t gay, but he did love Bucky. They’d spent the last month sharing the bed, kissing from time to time, keeping each other company. If this went bad, if he didn’t like this, they didn’t have to do it ever again. He could do that. Steve nodded, “Yeah, let’s try it.”

Bucky grinned, starting to kiss him again, slowly and gently. It wasn’t like any woman he had ever kissed. Bucky’s stubble scratched at his face, but his lips were soft. Steve found himself kissing back without the conscious decision to. He tensed slightly when Bucky slid his tongue into his mouth. Bucky pulled back, smiling softly, “You taste like strawberries. Come on, let’s move to the bedroom.”

“Wait.” Steve frowned, “Are we going to...”

“As much as I would love to deflower Captain America, we’re not going to do anything unless you’re comfortable with it. And I don’t think you’d be comfortable fucking me just yet.” Bucky laughs, “We’re taking it slow, don’t worry.”

Steve nods, going with Bucky to their bedroom. Bucky pulls his own shirt off, smiling softly, “Is this okay? I know the arm makes you squeamish sometimes.”

He sighed, looking at the scarring. He tried to ignore the pounding in his head calling it his fault. It was his fault. He couldn’t think anything else any time he saw the broken skin tissue. Steve grabbed Bucky and pulled him close, kissing gently where the skin met the metal along his shoulder. 

Bucky made a soft noise, even though he could hardly feel it, “You don’t have to. It’s not your fault, Stevie, it’s okay.”

“It’s my fault and I won’t stop being sorry,” Steve sighed, “We can talk about it later.”

Bucky nodded and tugged at Steve’s shirt, pulling it off, grinning. Steve watched him, amused by his eagerness. He hadn’t seen Bucky get this excited over anything since he got back. The subtle sadness of that thought was erased when Bucky started kissing at his chest, hands roaming all over. Steve took him and pushed him down on the bed, wanting the feeling of being pressed together, “Don’t stop, Buck, that’s good.”

“Yes sir.” Bucky moaned.

Steve stopped, jerking back, eyes going wide in horror. Bucky made a disappointed noise, “I didn’t mean it like that! Why did you stop?”

“Bucky? Do you think you-”

“Fuck, Steve, I want this. Said it as a joke. If you stop now because you’re worried or whatever dumbass reason, I’ll never forgive you. Got it?”

Steve nodded a little, “Sorry. I just thought-”

“Stop thinking.” Bucky pulled him back down with a kiss, wrapping his legs around him. Steve shivered. No girl he had ever been close too was this demanding and aggressive. Peggy could get that way, but never when they were close. She was leading, sure, but she was gentle.

Bucky was desperate, like Steve would call this off any second, and he had to get as much as he could. Steve tried to calm him, kissing back slowly. He wasn’t sure of where his hands should go; one ended up tangled in Bucky’s hair, the other moving along his spine.

“Fuck!” Steve gasped. 

Bucky’s lips quirked into a little mischievous smile, his hands down the front of Steve’s pants, “Wow. Don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that word. Then again, I’m probably the first person to touch you here in decades.”

Steve made a little noise, “Bucky, are you sure about this?”

“I am. Are you?” Bucky pulled his hand away, looking sheepish, “I’m sorry. This is probably too fast for you.”

Steve frowned a little. Bucky always treated him like it was before the serum, like he would snap at the lightest touch. He pulled his pants off, then tugged at Bucky’s, more than up to the challenge, “I can take this, Buck.”

Bucky grinned, kicking his pants off, rubbing them hemline of his boxers, “And are you sure you’ll be good with this? I’m not some little lady, I’ve got a cock down here. You don’t have to get me off unless you’re sure-”

“Shut up and get your shorts off,” Steve sighed, pulling his own off. He blushed a little when Bucky stared at him, mouth gaped open. Then he shook his head and slid his own boxers off, looking nervous, like Steve would reject him now.

Steve cupped his face and kissed him gently. It was a little strange to be kissing his naked best friend, but he liked it. He held him close, just taking it all in. Bucky reached down, rubbing his shaft, “Relax, Stevie, gonna make you feel good.”

Bucky stroked him, building up speed, “Like this, babe? God I’ve thought about this so much, thought about touching you, kissing you. You’re so perfect, everything about you is so so perfect.”

Steve buried his face in Bucky’s neck, moaning and coming. Bucky looked at him with an almost wild grin, “There’s gotta be some award from making a national icon-”

“Shut up.” Steve huffed, “Do you want me to return the favor or not?”

Bucky bit his lip, “I’ve got a little idea. You wanna watch me finger myself?”

Steve doesn’t know the look on his face, but it makes Bucky laugh. He ducks away, “Yeah, you mean like...”

“Steve, baby, you’re so innocent you almost make me feel bad. How did you wake up in a world with the internet and stay like this?” Bucky laughs, getting up, “I’ll be right back.”

Steve flopped down on the bed, panting, trying to process everything. His best friend just jerked him off. His Bucky wanted gay sex with him. He wasn’t gay, but he was starting to really enjoy being with Bucky. He was probably bisexual. He sort of always loved Bucky.

Bucky returned with the bag he had tossed aside earlier, grinning, “I’ve got lubricant and condoms. I wasn’t sure if you’d ever want this, but I wanted to be optimistic. Just sit and watch, okay? You can jump in if you want, but I know you’re still getting used to this.”

Steve sighed, watching, then turning red as Bucky slid a finger inside himself. “Are you sure that’s safe? And healthy?”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Yes I’m sure. I’ve read up on it. It’s a lot safer now than it was back then too. We’re both, y’know, we don’t even need condoms. And sex feels really good, Steve.”

Steve nodded, watching Bucky bent over, pleasuring himself, moaning. It was too much, he found himself growing hard again watching it all happen. Bucky was panting a little, “Do you think you want to have sex yet?”

“How couldn’t I?” Steve bit his lip, “Are you sure you want it?”

Bucky pulled his fingers out, “I’ve wanted this since I was fifteen, Steve. Please, please fuck me?”

Steve nodded, biting his lip a little, pushing bucky down flat against the bed, “So I just put it in?”

Bucky nodded, holding his legs apart. Steve nodded a little, also nervous, starting to slide in. Bucky was tight and warm and making filthy noises. Steve panted a little, looking down at Bucky, whose eyes were shut tight. He frowned, “Can you look at me? Want to be sure you know it’s me.”

Bucky laughed a little, rolling his hips back, making Steve whine, “Steve, baby, even if it wasn’t you, you’d be who I was thinking of. I want this, I want you. Shut up, stop worrying, and fuck me. Please.”

Steve started rolling his hips uncertainly, figuring he was doing it well based on the noises Bucky was making. He started moving faster and harder. Bucky gasped, “Yeah, Steve, fuck me so hard, baby, you’re so goddamn big, harder, baby!”

Steve moaned, pushing him into the bed, ignoring the creak and snap of the frame, running his hands up Bucky’s thigh, starting to stroke him. Bucky grabbed Steve by the shoulders, bracing himself, “Harder! Harder, Steve, wanna feel it tomorrow, don’t stop!”

Steve plowed into him, starting to kiss and suck at Bucky’s neck, desperate for touch. Bucky made a weak noise, then went still. Steve groaned, going only a little longer before coming for the second time.

They laid there for a while, curled together on the broken bed. After a while, Steve finally pulled out, smiling softly, “Sorry. I guess we’re going to have to sleep in the guest bed tonight.”

Bucky nodded, moving up a little and hugging Steve, “Do you want to do this again? We don’t have to, but that was sort of the best sex I remember.”

“I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry I was so rough, I won’t be next time.”

“Don’t be sorry, Stevie. It was amazing. Let’s go watch that documentary, alright? But you don’t get to put your clothes on. I like naked you too much.” He grinned, stretching and standing.

Steve shook his head, getting up and following Bucky to the living room. He smiled softly at him, grabbing the container of blackberries and setting them on the coffee table. Bucky hummed, “So we’ve got to get a new bed I guess.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna need a more steady one.” He laughed, leaning against Bucky. 

Bucky bit his lip, “How about a new bedroom?”

“A new bedroom?”

“Or... a new apartment?”

“Bucky?”

“It’s still available. Our old one. And I know that you know that I’m not the same. We can start a new life there? We’ll still do our jobs, but we’ll live there together. It’ll be sort of like old times, but not. Just think about it.”

Steve hugged Bucky tight. He didn’t want to bring it up after their first visit, but he wanted that apartment so bad. He would call tomorrow and talk to his higher ups about being able to move. Bucky was getting better every day. There were still rough times, but he was learning more and more how to cope, and had people to help him. They were going to start working together and now, they were lovers. 

Steve pulled away with a smile, holding his best friend close to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it! Thanks for reading.


End file.
